I Should Have Bought That Journal Because I Cried Over "Him" Again

So it's 11:30pm on a Saturday night. I've just woken up from an unintended nap and remembered that I need to re-twist the top of my head (I have my hair in passion twists and my hair keeps wanting to slide out the extensions). I get up. Go to the bathroom and get started, and then that's when it happens.

My mind began to drift to thoughts of my dad. It wasn't the first time in the past couple of months since we ended our relationship that I've thought of him. I've come to realize that in truth I miss him. Not the man he is now, but the man I adored growing up.

The man who taught me how to tie a tie every time I asked until I finally remembered. The man who would watch college football with me on Saturdays and the Lions play on Sundays. The man I had Barnes & Noble dates or movie dates with. The man who would bring me York peppermint patties and Andes mint chocolate candy. The man who I would wait until he would fall asleep looking at the mail after getting off work and I would poke his stomach (because his grunt for some reason reminded me of poking the Pillsbury dough boy) and then crawl into his lap while he went back to sleep. The man who taught me how to clean the fat from ribs, season my meats, make mashed potatoes, make my famous redskin potatoes, and cook broccoli the way I like. The man who I used to sing Always and Forever by Heatwave with as well as many jingles from commercials. The man who I wanted to be like so bad as a kid that I cut myself trying to shave like him.

And in thinking about the last few conversations I had with my dad, and the way he didn't fight for me...I just started crying. And my first thought was, "damn it TyRonda, you should have bought that Harry Potter journal you saw at Walmart (I didn't buy it because I tend to buy journals, write in them a few times, then never again). And so I decided to write my feelings here.

Most people who are friends with me on FB know that a couple of years ago my dad's wife and I had a falling out. Most people know of the tension that has developed with my dad's marriage to her, but many are not aware of how my dad and I got to where we are. Well, this separation was a long time coming. For 12 years I tried to put up with him and his wife's antics. I forgave him for the time he didn't tell me he was engaged until the night I just so happened to meet her for the first time, only because my cousin who was in town for my sweet 16th birthday party wanted to meet her and I went along for the ride. I forgave him for the time he didn't tell me he was trying to have an expedited wedding just 4 months later and I found out by chance. I forgave him for the time he allowed my cousins and I to be stranded on the side of the freeway in scorching heat when my cousin's car overheated because they needed to go look at China for the wedding. I forgave him for my senior year where he showed up late to my pinning ceremony, left early from my graduation, only saw me for 5 minutes before I went to prom, left early from my graduation party, dropped me off at college without making sure I had food to get by on, and for all the times I desperately needed money my first couple of years in college and he always didn't have it.

Through all of those experiences, I still tried to be a good daughter. It was definitely hard and we had our spats. But I would continuously think back on how much this man meant to me, that I would continue to endure his neglect.

I don't know how to explain how terrible he made me feel over the years. There were many days where I felt like I was an outsider. Like I didn't belong to my own family. I would find out about events that he never discussed with me. For instance, his mother-in-law called me one day to ask if I was going to the grandmother's birthday party. They had rented out a hall and wanted to know if I would be in attendance because she hadn't been notified. It felt odd to tell her I had no clue about any of it. I wasn't surprised though because it wasn't the first time that had happened. Even within the past year I've had to experience that. The grandmother wanted to do something nice for me, so she sent me a check for $1,000. I was so shocked and excited I called her to thank her. While chatting with her, she mentions that they are all going on a trip and she's packing. And I remember how my stomach jumped into my throat when she said "but I know you know all about that," thinking my dad had told me, and he had said not a word.

But it wasn't just the lack of being informed that made me feel like an outsider. It was all the times when my dad and I made plans to hang out but yet we couldn't go to his house. We always had to go somewhere out the house like to eat or to the movies, because his wife wasn't up for company. It was also finding out while working for his wife that there were people in their lives who had no clue I existed. I remember one client of hers I just adored asking me if I had siblings. I mentioned my sister then remembered my little adopted brother, and when I mentioned him, I saw the look of shock on her face realizing I was her massage therapist's stepdaughter who she never mentioned in all the years of knowing her. I had to experience that again when a couple came in for a couple's massage and the husband asked where did they find me (realizing I was a new face), and the look of shock on his and his wife's face when I said that I was her (my dad's wife) husband's daughter from his first marriage. It seemed that they didn't even know my dad had been previously married, yet at that time they had supposedly knew my dad and his wife for 6 years and had been to their home a few times for dinner. And speaking of their home, it's very peculiar to walk around and see tons of pics of your little brother but the only picture of you in the house is a small, wallet size picture of you and your sister from one Christmas when you were a toddler. But I also felt left out because even when it came to holidays like Father's Day, we couldn't just hang out with our dad. If she had things planned for the day then we couldn't see him. We usually either got to see him Father's Day or his birthday which was a week after, but never both. And sometimes we didn't see him at all on those days. There were even Christmases when we didn't get to see him. And all of that compounded just made me feel like a non-factor in my dad's life

And I couldn't believe that I could feel this way when it came to the man who raised me. The man I adored, and just desperately wanted to be loved by. So much so I put up with the bare minimum from him. For instance, in high school the year he was engaged, I decided to run track. I knew I could run and I would be good at it, but honestly I hated sports because I hated staying after school for practice. But I did it because I knew my dad loved track and ran when he was in high school. I thought if I did this then I wouldn't lose him, because I could feel myself losing him. And now I can't even remember if my dad even came to any of my track meets. But yet I can remember the time he showed up over an hour late on a hot day to pick me up from practice, just laughing and giggling with his wife as if I hadn't been sitting out in the sun waiting for them. And yet I accepted that neglect because I didn't want to lose him.

I tried so hard to look past these things. I even tried to look past the fact that at their wedding no one on her side knew my dad had children (my sister was a bridesmaid by the way of which I refused to do). But I tried to look past these things because I wanted to stay connected to him. And there was actually a time when we were good. I was even cool with his wife kind of. For a brief period of time, I actually felt like I belonged to their family. But I quickly was made aware that I wasn't.

When my dad's wife and I fell out, I sat down with him at a restaurant a week later and told him I would no longer have a relationship with her, but would maintain one with him, and he agreed. But after that (February), I had only seen my dad one time before I moved to Arizona at the end of that September. That one time, I had just started working at the Sam's Club he sometimes frequented so that I could save up money for the move, when he ran in to get something. Other than that, my dad knew I would be moving across the country, and never once during that time said that we should hang out. In fact, the month of September, I had to keep reaching out to him to see if we could set up a time to see each other before I left. And I was disappointed when we finally did because at the end of the night, he wanted to tell me that I was wrong for making a FB status about his wife insulting my work ethic, claiming that I was the worst employee that she ever had when the places I worked before and after her told me I was one of their best. I felt cheated. Like your wife disrespects me, lies on me and my mother, cheats me out of money, accuse me of stealing money from her, basically calls me incompetent, and made me cry after going off on me for 45 minutes, and yet I'm wrong for noting that she lied about my work ethic because other jobs I had worked for commended me. It was then that I knew our relationship was over.

I called my dad up a couple of days and later and told him, but he convinced me to maintain the bond. I moved to Arizona, I heard from my dad all of 11 days before I stopped hearing from him again. I came home for Christmas and again told him we should end the relationship. But again, he convinced me to maintain the bond. And we were good for a while, until I came home in September. See I hadn't been home in 9 months, and my dad was well aware of me coming home months in advance. And yet, trying to a schedule a time to see him was unnecessarily difficult. Mainly because his wife kept having stuff come up where he then had to watch my little brother. I did actually get to see him twice. The first time at a Potbelly where my sister and I stopped to get cookies after leaving the cider mill. And the second time was when he stopped by my house after he got off work before I went to a hotel with my boyfriend and help him plan his 30th birthday party (my dad was saying bye then because even though he was invited to my boyfriend's party he wasn't coming for reasons unknown). But him seeing him, it kind of felt like he came over after work so that if he needed to lie about his whereabouts to his wife he could say he was running errands, but I could be wrong about that. Either way, I was once again left feeling like my dad's mistress. It didn't sit well with me at all, but I tried to look past it. That is until November.

See my sister is a part of a club his mother-in-law runs. The mother-in-law was my sister's 12th grade English teacher so they have their own relationship. But at one of the meetings, apparently my dad and his wife showed up, and the whole time, my dad's wife is like refusing to speak, make eye contact, or acknowledge my sister's presence. And this is all happening in front of my dad and yet he said nothing. When my sister relayed this information to me, that was the last straw for me. I wrote my dad a letter explaining why I felt it was past time to end our relationship.

I mailed that letter the week of Thanksgiving. He got it that Saturday. He met up with my sister for brunch Sunday so that he could give her her birthday present and talk to her about the letter, and yet, I did not hear from my dad for 25 days. And all he did was send me a text mentioning how he received my letter, he had gotten busy (he spent a week of that time in Costa Rica on vacation), apologized for taking so long to respond and said that he would be in contact to discuss soon. I'm not going to lie, I was pissed off and so I responded to him accordingly about how it didn't make any sense that it took 3.5 weeks to respond to my letter. My dad did not text me back, but yet 6 days later wished me a Merry Christmas. I didn't respond because not only was I pissed, I was hurt. I was hurt that he was just acting like this was a non-issue. That this was something he could possibly once again gloss over. And I should probably explain this part. See in the letter, I told my dad that the only way we could even begin to move forward in our relationship would be for him to get his wife to apologize to me for 4 specific things (making my cry, lying on my work ethic, lying on my mother of which she claimed my mom threatened her to stay away from me and that's why she didn't interact with me the first few years she was in the picture, and I wanted her to apologize for implying I stole money from her when she knew I didn't). I told him if he couldn't put his foot down and made sure that occurred then we needed to move on. And that's what hurt. My dad and I both knew he wasn't going to require his wife to respect his children, but yet he didn't necessarily want to lose me either. So in his mind he thought that if he gave me time to calm down, then bribe me with Christmas presents, all would be forgotten. And it was just not to be.

I had one last conversation with my dad over the phone the day after Christmas. I expressed to him that this time, if he wants me to be in his life then he actually has to do something about it instead of just praying and waiting on God. He has to show me it's worth it because I refuse to continue getting the bare minimum from him just so I can say we're family when we haven't felt like family in years. And my dad accepted that. I haven't heard from in these past couple of months.

And now here I am trying to pick up the pieces. It's not unfamiliar; I've been picking up these pieces he's broken from me for years. All those feelings of not being good enough. Of being unwanted. The neglect. And the fluctuating feelings between not allowing people close enough to hurt me and wondering if I'll ever truly be loved where the person will actually fight for me.

If I had a little less self-esteem, my father would have groomed me into some trash ass man's perfect mistress. Because that's how our relationship was able to last as long as it did. I wasn't his daughter he was devoted to. I was his mistress, but not a good one. One that he felt obligated to out of a duty to family.

And in retrospect, I do not regret my decision at all. I know some days will be hard. Like when I graduate from this program and he's not there. Or when I get married. Or in whichever fashion I'm notified of his untimely passing in the future. Those days, I will not lie, I know they will hurt immensely. But yet I still do not regret it. In truth I lost my father long ago and I had been holding on to a ghost all these years. And now it's time to sage my life and stop allowing that ghost to haunt me.

My father was a lesson in unrequited love, and I FINALLY was able to choose myself and my happiness over my love for him. And for that, I am completely at peace with living a life without him. Even though he could not fight for me, I rest easy knowing that I will fight for myself and have my own back not matter what.

How To Get The Lawrence On Tasha Sex All The Time

On social media, I kept seeing people talking about how great the sex looked between Lawrence and Tasha. In fact one person posted a gif of the scene and asked, “Ladies when was the last time you had this?” I noticed a large amount of the women joked that they never had or that it had been a long time claiming that too many guys are lazy and make sex about them so much that they barely pay attention to the woman’s pleasure at all. So I wanted to express some tips that I picked up in my 5 years of singledom to help other women get that mind blowing sex that they ultimately crave while they’re single.

Finding The Right Guy To Fuck

We as women are approached by so many guys, so how do you know which ones are worth it and which ones aren’t? The truth is there are some signs, but part of it will involve your efforts as well.

Moderate Assholes: Assholes (not complete assholes but fun assholes) are some of your best candidates to have great sex with, but these assholes aren’t going to give every woman great sex. So how can you guarantee that you’ll get it? Talk shit! Be playful and learn how to talk shit. Assholes love someone who is a challenge and is playful. If you can have great back and of forth matches of talking shit with an asshole, then you’re sexy, and if talking shit ever turns sexual, then they’ll secretly crave the opportunity to make you eat your words. This can be a fuck buddy or friends with benefits depending on the guy.

Ladies Man: Pay attention to what women say about a guy, or how they act towards them. There are two types of ladies men out there and you can choose which one you like better or choose both

1.      The first kind is the ladies man that women love to talk about how great the sex was. Or they might not talk about it but they have women who think they are in love with them, making public scenes and everything. Understand though that those women aren’t in love…they’re dickmatized. A woman in love usually doesn’t make public scenes of hurt when rejected by said guy but keeps it private. This type of guy you know the sex is good, but if you can easily be dickmatized, stay away from him for fear you look like a raving jaded fool too. This guy is great for strictly a fuck buddy situation. Keep interaction limited to strictly sex.

2.      The second kind of ladies man is the one where a lot of women chase after him, but most have never had the opportunity to ever sleep with him. In fact, most people don’t even know his business. You want this guy because what makes sex great with him is that he oozes with sex appeal, which is why so many women want him. And trust me that sex appeal will ooze into every inch of the bedroom making for a wonderful time. This kind of guy like the moderate asshole usually has to be won over with efforts of talking shit, being flirty, and a certain extent of being a really cool and down   -to-earth human being. They love women who they can feel they can be themselves and real with, but also can be fun and flirty. So if you’re looking for a cool guy for like a “friends with benefits” situation, then this is your guy. Just make sure to get out before either one of you catches feelings or else it can turn into a really messy situation.

      The Dancer: That guy who is really great at dancing, can grind with you, lift you up if need be, and you guys have great sexual chemistry with each other when dancing, that guy is totally fuckable. You want that and it is worth it.

      The Guy Who Likes To Give Head: That guy who you’ve heard others or even them say they enjoy giving head, usually are great at it. If the opportunity arises, take advantage. You will not be disappointed.

      

      The Guy Who Obsesses Over Your Body With His Eyes: If there’s a guy in your life you’re cool with and every time you run into them they can’t help but to look you up and down, or smile when they see you, they’re worth the fuck. Especially if sometimes when they see you their voice can’t help but to become smooth as if every word they speak is dripping with honey. That person is definitely fantasizing about all the positions they’d like to put you in.

      

      Guys to Stay Away From:

1.      The guy who brags on his sex, 7 times out of 10 are terrible at it.

2.      The guy who seems desperate is, and you will regret the day you ever let him touch you.

3.      The dry/boring guy will be just that in bed as well without help and we’re not here to direct people, we’re here to fuck.

4.      The minimal sexual experience guy is not always bad but I’m sure you don’t want to spend a lot of time trying to teach them what to do or convince them that they should give head or stick a thumb up your ass if that’s what you’re into.

5.      The conceited pretty boy (or just conceited) is only thinking about himself and what he wants. Don’t expect him to care if you get off.

6.      The guy who doesn’t masturbate can sometimes be a quick pumper. I once knew a guy who refused to masturbate and was a quick pumper. The sex wasn’t totally bad though because he had great sex appeal, was rough, kinky and gave awesome head. But in general steer away from these guys because if they don’t give great head the sex may leave you unfulfilled.

Winning Great Sex

Now even though I mentioned which guys are the best options to get great sex from, you still have to be appealing to them in order for them to want to put in that extra effort. Now I mentioned previously it’s good to talk shit, be playful, down-to-earth and flirty. But there are a few other things that can help a guy give you the dicking of a lifetime

Creating Pent Up Sexual Tension: Once these guys become interested in you and realize that they want to fuck, you still have to create the need to give you the work. There are two ways to do that, and you can do one of them or both. I suggest you do both to get the best results.

1.      Be flirty yet unavailable. The best way to make sure a guy will yearn fucking you all the way up, is to flirt Back when they flirt with you but never catching on to the hints that they want to come over, or always somehow having other plans or being too busy to hang. You can keep this going for weeks, months, or even years. The longer the better. Just understand that if you do go years doing this, make sure that deep down if you were ever put into a situation where the opportunity arises you would say yes. I say this because eventually if you let it go on for a long time some guys will get to a point where they will do something drastic. This usually occurs after they’ve been drinking and will try to force a situation, which may come off as rapey. I’m not making light of rape either but I’m making sure you are aware that if you know a guy is interested, you know they want you bad, and you even get the feeling that they’re dunk do not let them over or go to their place under any circumstances unless you want a go. Under the influence these guys can take on the mindset that they’ll give it their all until they succeed. And it’s a very wonderful thing if you want it, but very scary if you don’t and you’ll have to be adamant with them that you don’t and will consider it rape if they don’t stop. But if you’re down for the fuck, understand that man will make you feel like Jasmine when Aladdin took her on the magic carpet ride.

2.      The second and quicker way to build that sexual tension is through a sexual activity that we know as head/sucking dick. Yes ladies sucking dick works in your favor. Always keep in mind that sucking dick is not for him, it’s for YOU!! Other than when I was in a relationship, I never gave head to just pleasure a guy. In fact they never got off from it because the purpose was not to make them happy but to make me happy. So I know you’re probably wondering how exactly do you do it where it will end in mind blowing sex, because let’s be honest many of you have given head and the sex was still terrible. Well I’ll give a few tips. First off don’t be afraid to get wild with it. Go fast up and down the dick, then out of nowhere stop at the tip, then slowly come all the way down it and deep throat it. Then when you come up, come up slowly and move your tongue in a wave up the dick. Once you get back to the tip move your tongue around the corona ridge of the tip and let your tongue flicker at the split at the base of the tip. It drives men crazy. You can go up and down and every time you come up make sure your tongue moves around that ridge. You can move your lips inward and outward as you go up and down. You can focus on the tip and let your hand stroke the shaft. Another fun thing to do is let your tongue flick the split of the tip and then catch the dick in your mouth when it jumps from a pleasure reflex. And ladies, also don’t forget to massage the balls from time-to-time. But you can also focus on the hip bone which is highly sensitive with your lips, tongue or teeth, and use your tongue or nails on the inside of the thighs. All of this will cause a guy to be pent up with the need to fuck the shit out of you, and will most likely stop you and put you in the doggy style position or any other position where they’ll end up mercilessly thrusting away into you. And that will make all the difference.

So ladies these are my tips for the happily single woman’s guide to getting great sex every time they decide to fuck. The reason why I say happily single is in these occurrences you’re solely looking for pleasure and not a relationship. I personally do not believe that just because you’re single you should have to suffer from bad sex if you choose to indulge in the activity. So I hope these tips helps someone in need. And happy fucking ladies.

Facing My Younger Self: It's Ok For It To Be All About You Sometimes

At the end of 2015, I had this random feeling that it was time to ultimately change my life from the direction it was going (and no it wasn't a new year mew me thing, it was just a feeling), which was virtually nowhere. I was STUCK. In a rut. Whatever you want to call it, I was there. I had gained 20 pounds, I wasn't eating as healthy as I wanted to be, I hadn't worked out for real in forever (and I love to run but my schedule has been all over the place it's been hard to find time to go out), and I wasn't saving money like I had planned. I also was putting off looking for references and working on my personal statements to apply to grad schools, and I hadn't worked my part-time business basically at all. I didn't like where I was but it seemed that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't move forward. I couldn't find the energy,I couldn't get the negative thoughts out of my head, I couldn't see my past vision, I was literally in a dark place. And this place, that I had been fighting against for the past couple of years and seemed now to be losing had engulfed me. I almost felt like I had no fight left.

But on December 31st, I woke up and began to clean. I cleaned my apartment, and when I got to my room, I just started throwing things out. Things I knew I didn't need but had been holding onto for whatever reason, and it felt like a cleansing. Now I didn't get rid of all of the things I need to get rid of but I did get rid of most of them. While cleaning, I was listening to Bob Proctor from The Secret, and one of the videos was talking about taking 90 days to change your mindset. It's plan was simple: visualize daily, say affirmations daily, listen to personal development daily. Now I said the plan was simple, not easy. We all know that sometimes when life hits you hard, it can be easy to sulk instead of choosing positivity. But something felt different this time. I couldn't explain it and I said if there's any fight left in me then I'll fight for it. But of course afterwards the negative thoughts started to pop back up, and the thing that calmed me was looking at the outfit that I came home from the hospital in.

See my grandmother, who passed away September 5th of 2014, was the rock of my family. We have a large family and she loved that family dearly as well as we loved her. But one thing many of grandchildren didn't know is that my grandmother kept all of the outfits her grandchildren came home from the hospital in. And for Christmas, my aunt who has currently taken my grandmother's house to continue the family estate, was cleaning up and decided to give us all of our outfits back for Christmas. I don't know what it was about that outfit but assured me that I was going get through this.

A week later, my boyfriend and I finally exchanged Christmas presents (being consumed by graduation and other having a stay-cation the weekend before graduation, we didn't get around to shopping for it). For Christmas, a couple of the things he had gotten me was a fruit infuser water bottle, and a magic bullet blender (both of which I had been saying I wanted for months). So now the journey had begun.I had already began working on visualizations and affirmations,and making it a daily habit, and my boyfriend and I had also begun the 52 week money saving challenge along with other money saving challenges. But now I could add eating healthier, along with the fact that my mom had gotten me a one second slicer for Christmas as well to kill prep time with cooking. .And even though I can't work out as much as I would like, I have added standing leg lifts and crunches while at work and brushing teeth in the morning, as well as taking advantage of walking to work sometimes, and doing short workouts when I can.

When it comes to just doing a little a day to be healthier I can see the small differences. My waistline has decreased, and my skin looks better, as well as I tend to have more energy. When it comes to visualization and affirmations I've seen differences as well. To better help with that, I have an audio recording of me saying some of my own personal affirmations that I aim to listen to twice daily. I also try to look at pictures and quotes as well to help. But one thing I was having trouble with was being completely consistent and with visualizations. In between work, class, running errands, dealing with an incident where I was being investigated by the police for counterfeit money (this was cleared up about a week and half ago), and every other daily pressure and obligation it was slightly challenging to force myself to do it sometimes. So if I miss a couple of days I binge for a day, but for the most part I don't miss too many days. But I say this to say that one day I was binging in between work and class, and I listened to a TEDX where a woman said to change her mindset and get out her rut she did guided visualization meditations. So I decided that I would do it that night no matter how tired as I was. Well I did, but I fell asleep on it. So the next morning (which was yesterday) I woke up to do it.

At one point that meditation had me visualize a room in a cave where the walls were completely covered with crystal quartz, and on the walls, everything I wanted in my future played out. At that moment I saw my vision restored. It had changed slightly (some things removed, other things added) but it was there and it felt awesome. The meditation then led m to another room where the walls were completely covered in amethyst. Now at this point I don't remember what I was supposed to be doing there, but whatever it was I was not doing it. What happened instead, I'm standing in this room and I see myself from probably the age of 2 or 3. I see her looking up at me with questioning eyes as if she's asking me how did I get to this point in my life. At that time I couldn't do anything, I couldn't do anything but grab my younger self, cradle and hold her, and apologize to her. I cried holding her saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for allowing the world to make you become a broken shell of yourself. I'm sorry I didn't protect you better. I'm sorry that I allowed you to feel like something was wrong with you. That your uniqueness was a curse instead of a glorious blessing and gift. You have always been odd and different. Your family used to joke about how you seemed like an alien come to explore and observe the Earth. And while they praised it, the rest of the world condemned it, and I'm sorry that I allowed it to happen. I'm sorry that I stunted you creativity, your love, your infinite optimism, your  absolute wonder and curiousity of the world. I am so sorry that I did this to you, and I promise from this day forward, that I will do better by you. I will do better to protect you, and I will make you whole again. I will bring you back to life and you will once again be your optimistic, happy, creative, loving, weird, and brilliant self that you were always meant to be with no regret, no guilt, no fear of what others think of you condemning you for being uniquely you. This is my mission in life to always allow you to live as purely you for all of your life.

I left her begrudgingly. I felt like there was more I needed to say to her, but she simply smiled at me with eyes as bright as stars with hope, love, and optimism for the future. And as I left the cave, I looked back at her, and all the things my future held waving back at me. And it was then that I knew, that this is a time for a transformation for me. Sometimes you can just feel it, and I knew that this time would be different somehow but I didn't know how until that moment.

In my business, they always say that in order to be successful you have to have a drive that motivates you; a why, and that you can only be driven by a vision that is bigger than you. And so I always tried to make my WHY (What's Hurting You) much bigger than me (which it ultimately is; I want to do a lot for other with my life), but somehow that still wouldn't motivate me in my dark times and the hard times. It would fizzle. But thinking of myself in this respect gives me a fire, a motivation like no other. At this point, I'm thinking of everything I am, and how I have been broken down and molded to a fragment of myself. And that is what makes me want to change most. I want to be free like a child. Living with little fear, high hopes, big dreams, endless possibilities, and interest in various different things that ultimately make me feel incandescent joy. That is what I want for myself, and I am daring to go create that feeling and reality, everyday of my life. Sometimes it is ok for your vision to be all about you, especially when you've given so much of yourself to appease others who do not hold your best interest at heart. Do not feel bad for being un-apologetically selfish as long as it affects your own happiness and does not take away from others.

What I Learned From Getting Fired

So the other day I was fired from a part-time job I had been working on my school's campus for almost a year now. I know that if you're reading this you're probably wondering why I got fired. Well, long story short, I made my boss aware that my availability had changed and had become limited. Instead of acknowledging that, he kept scheduling me times to work outside of my availability. After going through this power struggle for a few weeks, I was sent an email that if I didn't show up to a particular shift that I had already stated that I couldn't work multiple times a week prior, that my position would be terminated. I didn't see the email until after I didn't show up to the shift, and simply emailed him that I assume I was terminated and will turn in my uniform.

This email encounter turned into what I felt like was an attack on my character in some respects, and I spent the day acknowledging my former employer's frustration but also making him aware that if he weren't trying to dictate, control, had listened to my needs, acted accordingly, and not pursued a power struggle, then things could have ended differently. I was highly upset by he encounter but given time to think about all that encountered the past few weeks, I was highly grateful for the experience and learned a few things.

1. Always have a plan B or C, or however many letters of the alphabet you would like: If I had not had options at the time, I would have been forced into feeling helpless and would have bent over backwards to maintain this job that was inconsiderate to my needs.
2. What people say is not always what they mean: My boss told me when I first mentioned that I may have to quit if he pressured me to choose between this job and another obligation of mine, he tried to be nice, and mentioned that I deserved better than this job and my personal circumstances. My boss has always admired my hard work ethic and leadership capabilities, but only to the extent that he could take advantage of it. People at times will say things to try to convince you that they are empathetic to you, to allow you be more willing to suffer abuse at their hands. When you realize this, it allows you to see how to make decisions not based on what others feel you should do, but on what you actually should do for yourself.
3. To deflect criticism with class: When someone is debasing your character, always calm yourself before responding to their actions. You do not want to act out of a state of emotion. So remain calm, state the facts, apologize for your shortcomings, point out the breakdown of communication on both ends so that they can see it takes two parties to create a breakdown, and end the conversation professionally with best wishes, and possibly a thank you for whatever role they played in your life.
4. Always Know Your Worth And When To Get Out: Know exactly what value you bring to a person, an organization, or a company, and whenever you feel that your worth is being devalued, allow the other party to make amends and fix things. But if they choose not to, get out, and get out fast. You should never compromise your self-worth and standards. Opportunities and people may come around but many come for a season. It is ok to let go and make room for something else to teach you a new life lesson on your personal journey of growth.

So these are the things I learned, and hopefully this helps someone out in their own personal journey of self-discovery today.

Women Are Too Emotional To Handle Friends With Benefits Relationships: Fact vs. Fiction

 This article was written by an anonymous guest blogger:

Lately I was doing some research involving relationships and I kept coming across articles where it talks of how women ALWAYS expect relationships from men, especially if the relationship began casually, and many articles of women asking how they can make a guy want to be in a relationship with them. While I absolutely abhor articles like these that paint women to be manipulative and emotionally needy, I came across a few articles that took the cake. I actually consider myself to be a woman who thinks and behaves outside the manipulative and emotionally needy box, which have actually caused a lot of my close male friends over the years to say that I approach dating like a guy. I actually don't believe that to be the case, but I do believe that I handle dating seriously if someone introduces themselves as a possible love interest, but if I have a friend or associate that I have chemistry with, I will treat that more care-free and may partake in a friends with benefits relationship. Now I wrote that to state that the articles I had a problem with the most were about why women get involved in friend with benefits relationships, and what it must mean about the women.

First off, I would like to debunk the myth that casual relationships cannot become serious. In fact, the only relationship I've ever been in stemmed from a friends with benefits situation. BUT I must state that  the difference between that relationship and other friend with benefits relationships is that in building my friendship with my now ex boyfriend, he realized there were a lot of things he liked about me, and he had decided in the back of his mind, before we had ever had sex, that he was going to try and win me over, AND he did just that. So when I say this, I am not saying women should hold out to hope that a guy will one day want to be more than friends who just sleep together, I am pointing out that if a casual relationship is to progress, the decision to do so will most likely be made by the man, and probably right before or after sex has been introduced into the relationship. So if you're into the friends with benefits relationship for longer than a month (2 at the most) and the guy hasn't even hinted at a relationship, just know that it is going nowhere. The moral of this story: as a woman, do not go into a friends with benefits relationship hoping for more, because the decision to upgrade is not made by you.

The second myth I would like to debunk is that women who enter friend with benefits relationships must be easy or trying to overcompensate for their emotional neediness. Now I cannot speak for all women but I know that for some women who are like me, the reason we enter friend with benefits relationships is because of......SEX. It really is not that complicated. Women have physical needs just like men. Just because we haven't found prince charming or our soul mate, or our one true love, or whatever society and Disney told us women we need to seek from a young age to feel complete in life does not mean that our sexual organs and hormones that stimulate sexual arousal are hibernating until we find the guy of our dreams. NO! They are still fully awake and want to be used. That is the allure of friends with benefits. You haven't found the person you want to be with, but yet you have someone that you're comfortable with who can fulfill your sexual needs. Women tend to involve themselves with one friends with benefits relationship at a time, and usually if they're a rational woman, it's with someone they've probably friend zoned long time ago so that the guy knows she doesn't really think of him in that way. These guys know you. They know what you like. And you're comfortable to the point where you can openly express what you like and don't like sexually in an open and blunt way that doesn't cause weird complications. So women who do this, aren't just going around sleeping with any and everybody, its someone they know and trust, and these relationships can last for quite some time if it remains casual, as in once in a while over an everyday thing. And to debunk the part that women engage in these relationships to overcompensate their emotional neediness, I am not going to lie and say that many women do not enter these relationships hoping for more, but what I will say is that there are some women who look to friend with benefits relationships not because they are lonely, but because they want to be intimate, but yet not have to deal with all of the responsibilities of a relationship. For instance, if you are the high powered woman of today's society, you may not have all the time in the world to dote on a guy, stroke his ego, stay up half the night to deal with his emotional baggage that he's suppressed since childhood because society tells men to suck up their feelings, and all that jazz. But that does not mean we as women don't still like to cuddle and have sex. We just also like the freedom of getting up and leaving after. Not all of us want to stay and try to get you to open up to us, and fix you breakfast in bed, and leave clothing at your house so that we have an excuse to come back. Not all of us are emotionally needy and are lying about being cool with being casual.

The third and last myth that I would like to debunk is that all friends with benefits relationships tend to end because women cannot separate emotions from sex, and so she will always want to get a relationship out of it. From my experiences this is a false perception. The reason I state so is because while women are more emotional than men, that does not mean that they are the only ones who have emotions. Many men may not want to commit, but a lot of men involved with friend with benefits relationships tend to blur the lines between just friends and relationship. A lot of guys like to do all the relationship activities, get jealous easily, and make ambiguous statements about their feelings toward the woman they're involved with, then later wonder why she wanted to be a girlfriend. I feel like many friend with benefits relationships should be casual, and if they start to be more than casual well then the two parties involved need to have a conversation about the rules and guidelines they need set up so that unintentional feelings fail to grow from the women involved. Now that's one side to the puzzle.

The other side to the puzzle are men's emotions. Men get involved with many casual relationships and usually in doing so, they come across  a lot of women who are yearning for a relationship. Men know how to prepare for this and evade this. What men fail to handle well though, are women who got into the friend with benefits relationship for the same reason that they did and are less prone to take their actions filled with mixed signals into serious consideration. I'm not sure why but men's feelings then begin to grow. Usually not to point where they will commit (though still some do) but usually to a point where they expect to be the only special person in your life and want you two to act like a couple but without actually being committed to each other through a relationship. And many times they will deeply consider the relationship (multiple times), but for some reason they'll look at the fact that the woman has not once mentioned the idea of being in a relationship with them as a sign that she would reject them (which if you're a girl who got into this kind  of  relationship for the right reasons you most likely will; he was not boyfriend material in your eyes). And so at times, guys can do little things out of harbored anger and resentment from not feeling good enough to either try to make you jealous, or to get back at you in some weird way. When this happens, or they actually do ask for a relationship and you deny their request, the friendship is basically over. If you try to maintain it, it may very well turn into a competition of who can piss the other one off more each time you meet and exchange rude remarks. In most of my friends with benefits relationship, it usually ended because the guy ended up catching feelings, which left him either heartbroken or full of anger and resentment. So no it is not always women's faults friends with benefits relationships can end horribly. It can also be the guy's.

So those are my thoughts on women and friends with benefits relationships. What are your thoughts and experiences?

Haters Gonna Hate But Don't Let That Stop You

As a young, educated, Black woman I have never been found of the term hater. I have never liked the sayings, shout out to my haters, I love my haters, or my haters motivate me. The reason being was because in my life I have always had support systems, I was genuinely like-able, and because people often liked me they usually supported my goals and aspirations. So I never had real experiences with haters. I had a few people over the years who didn't like me for meaningless reasons, and yes some of them even went out of their way to try and make my life a living a hell. But as previously stated, these malicious acts were done over meaningless reasons that I genuinely didn't care that much about. The only thing that would bother me at that time was how individuals would put so much effort into dragging your name through the mud over things that just weren't of importance to yourself. So I will admit, that I thought many people who claimed they had haters were ignorant, and usually most of the time weren't worth hating on. But then things started to happen that removed the rose colored glasses from eyes and revealed to me that haters, do in fact exist.

So what is a hater. A hater is someone who puts a lot of negative attention on you not because you have done anything wrong to them, but mainly because you are making success and power moves that they have failed to make in their own lives, and so because they have not given themselves permission to dominate their own lives, they try to keep you down in the slumps where they are. A visual of how this would work would be to look at crabs in a barrel. As soon as one crabs starts heading to the top of the barrel to escape, another crab will drag him back down. So a hater's sole purpose is to try and bring you down a notch instead of also pursuing to reach higher levels in life. They typically like to claim that they are working toward pursuing goals of some sort, and they often like to brag on the little accomplishments they have made at every chance they get to the person that they're hating on as if it's supposed to insult them in some way, but in general they aren't really doing much to get worked up over even if you by chance was a hater yourself. Now I want you to keep in mind that specific haters come and go, especially people that really have no significance in your life, but the point is that haters come, and many of them can end up being friends and family. The trouble here is that if you're not cautious, one day you can find yourself surrounded by them, and that is where dreams die if you let them.

So I will tell you a little bit about some of the experiences I've had over the past year when it comes to haters. The haters I've had fortunately have not come from my family, mine sadly have come from friends, or at least people that I thought were friends. The reason why I say I thought they were friends is because I like to consider myself as a good friend. And as a good friend, if someone I'm friends with decides to do something that I don't believe is the best thing to do but they're all for it and enthusiastic, I won't try to convince them to see things my way. I may ask them a few questions to see if they're sure that's what they really want to do but I will not lecture them or try to minimize their efforts. I treat people like that because I know that though I may not agree, as their friend they still will need my support, and also as their friend, if I believe its a bad idea and they don't, I have to give them room to learn from their mistakes and crash and burn if they have to. Why? Because that is their life. It's their journey to make, and in all honesty their personal decisions really doesn't have too much effect on my life, and so I don't need to be stressed over their actions. Some of my friends on the other hand will not do that. They will ask me questions about my endeavors to try and instill doubt. And when that doesn't work then they will try and lecture me about why MY decisions concerning MY life is wrong to THEM. And then when that doesn't work, if I happen to mention my endeavors around them, they immediately get upset and then try to start debates, or they try to minimize it as if its not important and will try to talk me into activities that will take my focus away from achieving my goals. Now going through these things with people that you really care about can be very disheartening. Many people have told me that these individuals do these things because they either don't understand your goals and so mistrust it, or they're trying to protect you from failure. But one thing I've learned in times like this is that neither of these reasons are true. Yes, people when they don't understand certain concepts they will tend to dislike it without reason and mistrust it. And yes, people genuinely would like to protect their loved ones form certain things. But what I have come to learn is that EGO is one hell of a personal demon. The way these people are behaving has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. If someone does not understand the goals of a loved one, it is their responsibility to gain perspective on it so that they can then support them. Refusing to hear the person out and see their perspective shows the lack of love and respect you have for that person. And when people use the argument that loved ones are trying to protect you, understand that in those situations that is not love. That is control. Your loved is one is trying to control your behaviors. Why? So that they will not feel uncomfortable about what is going on in their own life. I'll use the analogy of a strict, conservative parent. A strict, conservative parent most likely will not feel comfortable allowing their young teenage daughter to go to a party. The idea of their child possibly drinking and partaking in sexual activities is an uneasy one. In this situation many of us could agree that the parent may not be seen in too bad of light because they are genuinely concerned for their child's safety and have acted in a reasonable manner. But what if that teenage daughter gets older and wants to go off to college and now the parents feel that instead of going off to college, their daughter should stay at home and attend community college so that way they can still enact control because it makes them more comfortable being able to know what their daughter is doing at all times so that may feel comfortable. Many of us would think that a decision like that was outrageous because now the parents are greatly hindering the child's opportunities for success and growth. Now the child upon reaching adulthood, still has a great dependence on their parents, and has little to no chance to achieve many of their goals and aspirations. But what's more disturbing is that the child has now come to terms with the reality of being unsuccessful and will no longer strive to be more than average. This is what many of our friends and family are doing to us, but you have to ask yourself if these "acts of love" are justified if it kills your passions in life.

When this starts to happen you definitely need to find a new support system. People who not only understand and wish to support you in your endeavors, but whole-heartedly wishes to see you succeed in them. Get with these people for they will build you up and breathe life into you when you stumble or forget to look at the bigger picture when faced with obstacle, after obstacle along your journey. So no this is not Drake's all me because even though Drake claims he came up by himself, we all know there were those who had to help him along the way. And to get where you dream to be there will be those that bring you up as well.

Now I will also say real quick, the road to success is not easy, but if gets you to where you want to go then its definitely worth it. Don't worry about the haters who just talk bad about you because they wish they had the courage to pursue their goals like you pursue yours, and don't become disheartened when friends and family turn to enemies in a way from lack of support and understanding. Yes the latter situation hurts a whole hell of a lot more than the former, but all of this is reshaping you to become a divine essence of yourself. Its forcing you to tap into your true nature and strength, and at the end of the journey when you will witness the diamond that was formed because of all that pressure placed upon you, you will realize just how magnificent you are and wonder why you ever let the concerns of others stop you from being you. So while you're in your journey, just remember that its all a balancing act, and like Janelle Monae, you just have to keep tipping on the tightrope and dance up on those haters. Just know that whatever happens, you must always keep moving forward.