Women Are Too Emotional To Handle Friends With Benefits Relationships: Fact vs. Fiction

 This article was written by an anonymous guest blogger:

Lately I was doing some research involving relationships and I kept coming across articles where it talks of how women ALWAYS expect relationships from men, especially if the relationship began casually, and many articles of women asking how they can make a guy want to be in a relationship with them. While I absolutely abhor articles like these that paint women to be manipulative and emotionally needy, I came across a few articles that took the cake. I actually consider myself to be a woman who thinks and behaves outside the manipulative and emotionally needy box, which have actually caused a lot of my close male friends over the years to say that I approach dating like a guy. I actually don't believe that to be the case, but I do believe that I handle dating seriously if someone introduces themselves as a possible love interest, but if I have a friend or associate that I have chemistry with, I will treat that more care-free and may partake in a friends with benefits relationship. Now I wrote that to state that the articles I had a problem with the most were about why women get involved in friend with benefits relationships, and what it must mean about the women.

First off, I would like to debunk the myth that casual relationships cannot become serious. In fact, the only relationship I've ever been in stemmed from a friends with benefits situation. BUT I must state that  the difference between that relationship and other friend with benefits relationships is that in building my friendship with my now ex boyfriend, he realized there were a lot of things he liked about me, and he had decided in the back of his mind, before we had ever had sex, that he was going to try and win me over, AND he did just that. So when I say this, I am not saying women should hold out to hope that a guy will one day want to be more than friends who just sleep together, I am pointing out that if a casual relationship is to progress, the decision to do so will most likely be made by the man, and probably right before or after sex has been introduced into the relationship. So if you're into the friends with benefits relationship for longer than a month (2 at the most) and the guy hasn't even hinted at a relationship, just know that it is going nowhere. The moral of this story: as a woman, do not go into a friends with benefits relationship hoping for more, because the decision to upgrade is not made by you.

The second myth I would like to debunk is that women who enter friend with benefits relationships must be easy or trying to overcompensate for their emotional neediness. Now I cannot speak for all women but I know that for some women who are like me, the reason we enter friend with benefits relationships is because of......SEX. It really is not that complicated. Women have physical needs just like men. Just because we haven't found prince charming or our soul mate, or our one true love, or whatever society and Disney told us women we need to seek from a young age to feel complete in life does not mean that our sexual organs and hormones that stimulate sexual arousal are hibernating until we find the guy of our dreams. NO! They are still fully awake and want to be used. That is the allure of friends with benefits. You haven't found the person you want to be with, but yet you have someone that you're comfortable with who can fulfill your sexual needs. Women tend to involve themselves with one friends with benefits relationship at a time, and usually if they're a rational woman, it's with someone they've probably friend zoned long time ago so that the guy knows she doesn't really think of him in that way. These guys know you. They know what you like. And you're comfortable to the point where you can openly express what you like and don't like sexually in an open and blunt way that doesn't cause weird complications. So women who do this, aren't just going around sleeping with any and everybody, its someone they know and trust, and these relationships can last for quite some time if it remains casual, as in once in a while over an everyday thing. And to debunk the part that women engage in these relationships to overcompensate their emotional neediness, I am not going to lie and say that many women do not enter these relationships hoping for more, but what I will say is that there are some women who look to friend with benefits relationships not because they are lonely, but because they want to be intimate, but yet not have to deal with all of the responsibilities of a relationship. For instance, if you are the high powered woman of today's society, you may not have all the time in the world to dote on a guy, stroke his ego, stay up half the night to deal with his emotional baggage that he's suppressed since childhood because society tells men to suck up their feelings, and all that jazz. But that does not mean we as women don't still like to cuddle and have sex. We just also like the freedom of getting up and leaving after. Not all of us want to stay and try to get you to open up to us, and fix you breakfast in bed, and leave clothing at your house so that we have an excuse to come back. Not all of us are emotionally needy and are lying about being cool with being casual.

The third and last myth that I would like to debunk is that all friends with benefits relationships tend to end because women cannot separate emotions from sex, and so she will always want to get a relationship out of it. From my experiences this is a false perception. The reason I state so is because while women are more emotional than men, that does not mean that they are the only ones who have emotions. Many men may not want to commit, but a lot of men involved with friend with benefits relationships tend to blur the lines between just friends and relationship. A lot of guys like to do all the relationship activities, get jealous easily, and make ambiguous statements about their feelings toward the woman they're involved with, then later wonder why she wanted to be a girlfriend. I feel like many friend with benefits relationships should be casual, and if they start to be more than casual well then the two parties involved need to have a conversation about the rules and guidelines they need set up so that unintentional feelings fail to grow from the women involved. Now that's one side to the puzzle.

The other side to the puzzle are men's emotions. Men get involved with many casual relationships and usually in doing so, they come across  a lot of women who are yearning for a relationship. Men know how to prepare for this and evade this. What men fail to handle well though, are women who got into the friend with benefits relationship for the same reason that they did and are less prone to take their actions filled with mixed signals into serious consideration. I'm not sure why but men's feelings then begin to grow. Usually not to point where they will commit (though still some do) but usually to a point where they expect to be the only special person in your life and want you two to act like a couple but without actually being committed to each other through a relationship. And many times they will deeply consider the relationship (multiple times), but for some reason they'll look at the fact that the woman has not once mentioned the idea of being in a relationship with them as a sign that she would reject them (which if you're a girl who got into this kind  of  relationship for the right reasons you most likely will; he was not boyfriend material in your eyes). And so at times, guys can do little things out of harbored anger and resentment from not feeling good enough to either try to make you jealous, or to get back at you in some weird way. When this happens, or they actually do ask for a relationship and you deny their request, the friendship is basically over. If you try to maintain it, it may very well turn into a competition of who can piss the other one off more each time you meet and exchange rude remarks. In most of my friends with benefits relationship, it usually ended because the guy ended up catching feelings, which left him either heartbroken or full of anger and resentment. So no it is not always women's faults friends with benefits relationships can end horribly. It can also be the guy's.

So those are my thoughts on women and friends with benefits relationships. What are your thoughts and experiences?

Haters Gonna Hate But Don't Let That Stop You

As a young, educated, Black woman I have never been found of the term hater. I have never liked the sayings, shout out to my haters, I love my haters, or my haters motivate me. The reason being was because in my life I have always had support systems, I was genuinely like-able, and because people often liked me they usually supported my goals and aspirations. So I never had real experiences with haters. I had a few people over the years who didn't like me for meaningless reasons, and yes some of them even went out of their way to try and make my life a living a hell. But as previously stated, these malicious acts were done over meaningless reasons that I genuinely didn't care that much about. The only thing that would bother me at that time was how individuals would put so much effort into dragging your name through the mud over things that just weren't of importance to yourself. So I will admit, that I thought many people who claimed they had haters were ignorant, and usually most of the time weren't worth hating on. But then things started to happen that removed the rose colored glasses from eyes and revealed to me that haters, do in fact exist.

So what is a hater. A hater is someone who puts a lot of negative attention on you not because you have done anything wrong to them, but mainly because you are making success and power moves that they have failed to make in their own lives, and so because they have not given themselves permission to dominate their own lives, they try to keep you down in the slumps where they are. A visual of how this would work would be to look at crabs in a barrel. As soon as one crabs starts heading to the top of the barrel to escape, another crab will drag him back down. So a hater's sole purpose is to try and bring you down a notch instead of also pursuing to reach higher levels in life. They typically like to claim that they are working toward pursuing goals of some sort, and they often like to brag on the little accomplishments they have made at every chance they get to the person that they're hating on as if it's supposed to insult them in some way, but in general they aren't really doing much to get worked up over even if you by chance was a hater yourself. Now I want you to keep in mind that specific haters come and go, especially people that really have no significance in your life, but the point is that haters come, and many of them can end up being friends and family. The trouble here is that if you're not cautious, one day you can find yourself surrounded by them, and that is where dreams die if you let them.

So I will tell you a little bit about some of the experiences I've had over the past year when it comes to haters. The haters I've had fortunately have not come from my family, mine sadly have come from friends, or at least people that I thought were friends. The reason why I say I thought they were friends is because I like to consider myself as a good friend. And as a good friend, if someone I'm friends with decides to do something that I don't believe is the best thing to do but they're all for it and enthusiastic, I won't try to convince them to see things my way. I may ask them a few questions to see if they're sure that's what they really want to do but I will not lecture them or try to minimize their efforts. I treat people like that because I know that though I may not agree, as their friend they still will need my support, and also as their friend, if I believe its a bad idea and they don't, I have to give them room to learn from their mistakes and crash and burn if they have to. Why? Because that is their life. It's their journey to make, and in all honesty their personal decisions really doesn't have too much effect on my life, and so I don't need to be stressed over their actions. Some of my friends on the other hand will not do that. They will ask me questions about my endeavors to try and instill doubt. And when that doesn't work then they will try and lecture me about why MY decisions concerning MY life is wrong to THEM. And then when that doesn't work, if I happen to mention my endeavors around them, they immediately get upset and then try to start debates, or they try to minimize it as if its not important and will try to talk me into activities that will take my focus away from achieving my goals. Now going through these things with people that you really care about can be very disheartening. Many people have told me that these individuals do these things because they either don't understand your goals and so mistrust it, or they're trying to protect you from failure. But one thing I've learned in times like this is that neither of these reasons are true. Yes, people when they don't understand certain concepts they will tend to dislike it without reason and mistrust it. And yes, people genuinely would like to protect their loved ones form certain things. But what I have come to learn is that EGO is one hell of a personal demon. The way these people are behaving has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. If someone does not understand the goals of a loved one, it is their responsibility to gain perspective on it so that they can then support them. Refusing to hear the person out and see their perspective shows the lack of love and respect you have for that person. And when people use the argument that loved ones are trying to protect you, understand that in those situations that is not love. That is control. Your loved is one is trying to control your behaviors. Why? So that they will not feel uncomfortable about what is going on in their own life. I'll use the analogy of a strict, conservative parent. A strict, conservative parent most likely will not feel comfortable allowing their young teenage daughter to go to a party. The idea of their child possibly drinking and partaking in sexual activities is an uneasy one. In this situation many of us could agree that the parent may not be seen in too bad of light because they are genuinely concerned for their child's safety and have acted in a reasonable manner. But what if that teenage daughter gets older and wants to go off to college and now the parents feel that instead of going off to college, their daughter should stay at home and attend community college so that way they can still enact control because it makes them more comfortable being able to know what their daughter is doing at all times so that may feel comfortable. Many of us would think that a decision like that was outrageous because now the parents are greatly hindering the child's opportunities for success and growth. Now the child upon reaching adulthood, still has a great dependence on their parents, and has little to no chance to achieve many of their goals and aspirations. But what's more disturbing is that the child has now come to terms with the reality of being unsuccessful and will no longer strive to be more than average. This is what many of our friends and family are doing to us, but you have to ask yourself if these "acts of love" are justified if it kills your passions in life.

When this starts to happen you definitely need to find a new support system. People who not only understand and wish to support you in your endeavors, but whole-heartedly wishes to see you succeed in them. Get with these people for they will build you up and breathe life into you when you stumble or forget to look at the bigger picture when faced with obstacle, after obstacle along your journey. So no this is not Drake's all me because even though Drake claims he came up by himself, we all know there were those who had to help him along the way. And to get where you dream to be there will be those that bring you up as well.

Now I will also say real quick, the road to success is not easy, but if gets you to where you want to go then its definitely worth it. Don't worry about the haters who just talk bad about you because they wish they had the courage to pursue their goals like you pursue yours, and don't become disheartened when friends and family turn to enemies in a way from lack of support and understanding. Yes the latter situation hurts a whole hell of a lot more than the former, but all of this is reshaping you to become a divine essence of yourself. Its forcing you to tap into your true nature and strength, and at the end of the journey when you will witness the diamond that was formed because of all that pressure placed upon you, you will realize just how magnificent you are and wonder why you ever let the concerns of others stop you from being you. So while you're in your journey, just remember that its all a balancing act, and like Janelle Monae, you just have to keep tipping on the tightrope and dance up on those haters. Just know that whatever happens, you must always keep moving forward.

Misconceptions of the Independent BLACK Woman

Lately on social media sites, I have been seeing many people post articles on how Feminism and the "Independent Black Woman," has ruined relationships in the Black community. I always find these articles intriguing while in many ways lacking and inaccurate. I believe the reason for this is that so many authors of these articles fail to look at the issue of independent women and relationships from many different angles. In this article I will plan to touch on a few that I believe should be taken into account.

Being Raised an Independent Woman

Many women who are considered independent women in the Black community felt that they were raised to not need a man for anything. Many say it's because of the epidemic of single mothers in the Black community and I am not here to look into the history of the issue and its psychosis but where some people conclude that most independent women feel this way when it is not the case. I was raised by both parents who both came from large families. Most of my cousins on my dad's side of the family are college educated and have and or working on careers, and for the most part many of them are married. They are from the South and so the prestige of being college educated and making something of yourself is very desirable. Now on my mother's side of the family, which are from the North, the girls were pushed to become college educated and make something of themselves and give back to the community. For whatever reason the men in my family were not pushed as hard to do the same thing and so most of them have not. I am telling this story to show the divide. In both environments being college educated and working on a career is considered something worth doing for the women, but for the men it is not. And in the environment where it is, you don't hear of the horrors of the "independent woman" so much as an issue to evade marriage. Environment is key, but also I would like to touch on the fact that many women claim that they were told to keep their heads in the books and not worry about these men. I believe that many women are taught this because in a culture where the women are still trying to find their place in society, they can easily give up their hopes in dreams in exchange for an immature love that most likely won't last. That's not saying that when you find love you must choose your education/career over a relationship. There is a such thing as compromise. I am a woman who was taught to keep my heads in the books as well but I was also taught that you need to know how to take care of yourself, not for the purpose of not needing a man for anything, but for the purpose of if there is not a man around to assist you with certain things you must still get these things done and so you must know how to do them. That difference shows that when a man has entered your environment you can allow him to assist or take care of certain aspects not push them out. But more importantly this act shows that a woman is a team player and can bring a lot to the table in a relationship.

Independent Women Have Unrealistic Standards

Sad to say on this topic I am extremely biased. Why? Because I'm an independent woman. I remember once I wrote a list of things I would like for a guy that I should date to be like, and instead of most people actually seeing the list for what it was they compared it to other women's lists who standards were actually ridiculous. My list was mostly comprised of character traits rather than materialism. I chose the character traits I did because I know what I find attractive in the opposite sex on a mental level so I know that's what I want to go after. And so I dislike the question most guys ask women of what they like in men. That question for some reason makes women answer based on a guy's physical appearance, or on the materials that they have acquired in their life. All of that is superficial. But I believe that in the Black community, many aspects of our relationships are very superficial. So only looking at the superficial, many independent women will come up with some crazy unrealistic answers. But when a woman answers based on character traits, many men are quick to tell an independent woman that she will be single forever and never find a guy like that. My disclaimer to this notion is to pay attention to the guy telling you this. In my experience, the guys who usually tell you this are comfortable with living a mediocre life, and usually tend to be unfaithful and disrespectful to their significant others. Ladies, character traits are the best way to go when looking for a spouse. It says more about a man than his paycheck or how handsome he is, if you plan to have a relationship that doesn't lead to divorce. So when you say you have standards, don't let your standards be based on the superficial.

Independent Black Women Cause Black Men to Go After White Women

 Now when it comes to this issue I often find this stereotype to be the most ignorant of all. The reason being is that men say this as if all independent Black women are the same and that all White women are the same. From having white roommates for three years and usually having classes mostly comprised of women of which I'm usually one of the 1-3 black faces in the class, I have gotten to spend a lot of time with White women and learn of their relationships. And to be completely honest, White women are not so different from Black women. But what I happen to see often is that these White women, not so different from myself, have been in long-term relationships, often engaged or married. So what causes this difference? I believe its the environment. In the 70's is when the women's movement picked up again for equal opportunities in jobs and careers. Those independent White women already have had to fight for their equality in careers and in relationships. Women like Anne Doyle who teach women to power up and be leaders have had long relationships that they built with men. White women have already established their standards, and their men realized that if you do not want to miss out on a great woman they need to live up to those standards. But seeing how many white men already had prestige being college educated and career driven, they were able to understand what their women were bringing to the table even though it took time for the notion to be accepted. I stated earlier that Black women, in general are still finding their place in society, but so are our men. And on one side of my family the women are pushed more to be educated than the men. So the women, having certain standards that many of their male counterparts have not had to live by in their own personal lives can make relationships seem unattainable. To those women I say surround yourself with men who have acquired those standards personally, and then look to the ones that also are looking for an equal and not a cheerleader or trophy wife. Because sometimes when men say Independent women makes them want white women, what they really are saying is that they are looking for a woman who is college educated but yet hasn't established a large goal in life outside of being a mother and wife. That woman is solely a support system and not a team player, and some men don't want to admit that that is what they truly want from a woman, and so they blame it on your standards instead of theirs. I'm not saying all White women are this way or even most, but it has been pre-conceived that White women are all-nurturing creatures and that Black men don't have to do as much when it comes to dating white women when in reality they usually have to do just as much for White women (if not more) as they would for Black women. But remember ladies, it is a two-way street. You can always inter-racially date just as well as Black men do, even though many of us would prefer to have chocolate babies. Unlike the picture listed above, there are actually a lot of White men out there ready to give some Black women the world.

To close this article I would like to remind the readers that the definition of an independent woman is one who is financially sound. She takes care of herself, pays her own bills and things of that sort. The fact that this is looked at as a negative is somewhat astounding since we are all taught that you shouldn't entertain those who expect a handout. But I want the readers to realize the stereotypes of independent Black women hurts us as a community greatly because it lessens ambition, lowers standards, and creates mediocrity throughout. And I also want to remind women and men to know that an independent woman can make a great wife. The example I will use is Michelle Obama. Michelle went to Princeton and was an associate in a Chicago law firm before she met Barack. Barack was an intern for the law firm when they met. Even though he had not acquired what she had in her life, she recognized his character and he took her out on a date in his run down car. She looked past superficial aspects and loved him for what....his character. They married and though she hasn't practiced law in 20 years she never gave up helping the community and doing philanthropic work and pushing her own initiatives to better the country even though her husband is now the President of the United States. They recognized what each other brought to the table and have made a great team together in their relationship. So today I ask that many women aspire to be the non-superficial independent women, and for our men to aspire to be worthy of us, be our equal, and support the movement of independent women.