Misconceptions of the Independent BLACK Woman

Lately on social media sites, I have been seeing many people post articles on how Feminism and the "Independent Black Woman," has ruined relationships in the Black community. I always find these articles intriguing while in many ways lacking and inaccurate. I believe the reason for this is that so many authors of these articles fail to look at the issue of independent women and relationships from many different angles. In this article I will plan to touch on a few that I believe should be taken into account.

Being Raised an Independent Woman

Many women who are considered independent women in the Black community felt that they were raised to not need a man for anything. Many say it's because of the epidemic of single mothers in the Black community and I am not here to look into the history of the issue and its psychosis but where some people conclude that most independent women feel this way when it is not the case. I was raised by both parents who both came from large families. Most of my cousins on my dad's side of the family are college educated and have and or working on careers, and for the most part many of them are married. They are from the South and so the prestige of being college educated and making something of yourself is very desirable. Now on my mother's side of the family, which are from the North, the girls were pushed to become college educated and make something of themselves and give back to the community. For whatever reason the men in my family were not pushed as hard to do the same thing and so most of them have not. I am telling this story to show the divide. In both environments being college educated and working on a career is considered something worth doing for the women, but for the men it is not. And in the environment where it is, you don't hear of the horrors of the "independent woman" so much as an issue to evade marriage. Environment is key, but also I would like to touch on the fact that many women claim that they were told to keep their heads in the books and not worry about these men. I believe that many women are taught this because in a culture where the women are still trying to find their place in society, they can easily give up their hopes in dreams in exchange for an immature love that most likely won't last. That's not saying that when you find love you must choose your education/career over a relationship. There is a such thing as compromise. I am a woman who was taught to keep my heads in the books as well but I was also taught that you need to know how to take care of yourself, not for the purpose of not needing a man for anything, but for the purpose of if there is not a man around to assist you with certain things you must still get these things done and so you must know how to do them. That difference shows that when a man has entered your environment you can allow him to assist or take care of certain aspects not push them out. But more importantly this act shows that a woman is a team player and can bring a lot to the table in a relationship.

Independent Women Have Unrealistic Standards

Sad to say on this topic I am extremely biased. Why? Because I'm an independent woman. I remember once I wrote a list of things I would like for a guy that I should date to be like, and instead of most people actually seeing the list for what it was they compared it to other women's lists who standards were actually ridiculous. My list was mostly comprised of character traits rather than materialism. I chose the character traits I did because I know what I find attractive in the opposite sex on a mental level so I know that's what I want to go after. And so I dislike the question most guys ask women of what they like in men. That question for some reason makes women answer based on a guy's physical appearance, or on the materials that they have acquired in their life. All of that is superficial. But I believe that in the Black community, many aspects of our relationships are very superficial. So only looking at the superficial, many independent women will come up with some crazy unrealistic answers. But when a woman answers based on character traits, many men are quick to tell an independent woman that she will be single forever and never find a guy like that. My disclaimer to this notion is to pay attention to the guy telling you this. In my experience, the guys who usually tell you this are comfortable with living a mediocre life, and usually tend to be unfaithful and disrespectful to their significant others. Ladies, character traits are the best way to go when looking for a spouse. It says more about a man than his paycheck or how handsome he is, if you plan to have a relationship that doesn't lead to divorce. So when you say you have standards, don't let your standards be based on the superficial.

Independent Black Women Cause Black Men to Go After White Women

 Now when it comes to this issue I often find this stereotype to be the most ignorant of all. The reason being is that men say this as if all independent Black women are the same and that all White women are the same. From having white roommates for three years and usually having classes mostly comprised of women of which I'm usually one of the 1-3 black faces in the class, I have gotten to spend a lot of time with White women and learn of their relationships. And to be completely honest, White women are not so different from Black women. But what I happen to see often is that these White women, not so different from myself, have been in long-term relationships, often engaged or married. So what causes this difference? I believe its the environment. In the 70's is when the women's movement picked up again for equal opportunities in jobs and careers. Those independent White women already have had to fight for their equality in careers and in relationships. Women like Anne Doyle who teach women to power up and be leaders have had long relationships that they built with men. White women have already established their standards, and their men realized that if you do not want to miss out on a great woman they need to live up to those standards. But seeing how many white men already had prestige being college educated and career driven, they were able to understand what their women were bringing to the table even though it took time for the notion to be accepted. I stated earlier that Black women, in general are still finding their place in society, but so are our men. And on one side of my family the women are pushed more to be educated than the men. So the women, having certain standards that many of their male counterparts have not had to live by in their own personal lives can make relationships seem unattainable. To those women I say surround yourself with men who have acquired those standards personally, and then look to the ones that also are looking for an equal and not a cheerleader or trophy wife. Because sometimes when men say Independent women makes them want white women, what they really are saying is that they are looking for a woman who is college educated but yet hasn't established a large goal in life outside of being a mother and wife. That woman is solely a support system and not a team player, and some men don't want to admit that that is what they truly want from a woman, and so they blame it on your standards instead of theirs. I'm not saying all White women are this way or even most, but it has been pre-conceived that White women are all-nurturing creatures and that Black men don't have to do as much when it comes to dating white women when in reality they usually have to do just as much for White women (if not more) as they would for Black women. But remember ladies, it is a two-way street. You can always inter-racially date just as well as Black men do, even though many of us would prefer to have chocolate babies. Unlike the picture listed above, there are actually a lot of White men out there ready to give some Black women the world.

To close this article I would like to remind the readers that the definition of an independent woman is one who is financially sound. She takes care of herself, pays her own bills and things of that sort. The fact that this is looked at as a negative is somewhat astounding since we are all taught that you shouldn't entertain those who expect a handout. But I want the readers to realize the stereotypes of independent Black women hurts us as a community greatly because it lessens ambition, lowers standards, and creates mediocrity throughout. And I also want to remind women and men to know that an independent woman can make a great wife. The example I will use is Michelle Obama. Michelle went to Princeton and was an associate in a Chicago law firm before she met Barack. Barack was an intern for the law firm when they met. Even though he had not acquired what she had in her life, she recognized his character and he took her out on a date in his run down car. She looked past superficial aspects and loved him for what....his character. They married and though she hasn't practiced law in 20 years she never gave up helping the community and doing philanthropic work and pushing her own initiatives to better the country even though her husband is now the President of the United States. They recognized what each other brought to the table and have made a great team together in their relationship. So today I ask that many women aspire to be the non-superficial independent women, and for our men to aspire to be worthy of us, be our equal, and support the movement of independent women.