Women Are Too Emotional To Handle Friends With Benefits Relationships: Fact vs. Fiction

 This article was written by an anonymous guest blogger:

Lately I was doing some research involving relationships and I kept coming across articles where it talks of how women ALWAYS expect relationships from men, especially if the relationship began casually, and many articles of women asking how they can make a guy want to be in a relationship with them. While I absolutely abhor articles like these that paint women to be manipulative and emotionally needy, I came across a few articles that took the cake. I actually consider myself to be a woman who thinks and behaves outside the manipulative and emotionally needy box, which have actually caused a lot of my close male friends over the years to say that I approach dating like a guy. I actually don't believe that to be the case, but I do believe that I handle dating seriously if someone introduces themselves as a possible love interest, but if I have a friend or associate that I have chemistry with, I will treat that more care-free and may partake in a friends with benefits relationship. Now I wrote that to state that the articles I had a problem with the most were about why women get involved in friend with benefits relationships, and what it must mean about the women.

First off, I would like to debunk the myth that casual relationships cannot become serious. In fact, the only relationship I've ever been in stemmed from a friends with benefits situation. BUT I must state that  the difference between that relationship and other friend with benefits relationships is that in building my friendship with my now ex boyfriend, he realized there were a lot of things he liked about me, and he had decided in the back of his mind, before we had ever had sex, that he was going to try and win me over, AND he did just that. So when I say this, I am not saying women should hold out to hope that a guy will one day want to be more than friends who just sleep together, I am pointing out that if a casual relationship is to progress, the decision to do so will most likely be made by the man, and probably right before or after sex has been introduced into the relationship. So if you're into the friends with benefits relationship for longer than a month (2 at the most) and the guy hasn't even hinted at a relationship, just know that it is going nowhere. The moral of this story: as a woman, do not go into a friends with benefits relationship hoping for more, because the decision to upgrade is not made by you.

The second myth I would like to debunk is that women who enter friend with benefits relationships must be easy or trying to overcompensate for their emotional neediness. Now I cannot speak for all women but I know that for some women who are like me, the reason we enter friend with benefits relationships is because of......SEX. It really is not that complicated. Women have physical needs just like men. Just because we haven't found prince charming or our soul mate, or our one true love, or whatever society and Disney told us women we need to seek from a young age to feel complete in life does not mean that our sexual organs and hormones that stimulate sexual arousal are hibernating until we find the guy of our dreams. NO! They are still fully awake and want to be used. That is the allure of friends with benefits. You haven't found the person you want to be with, but yet you have someone that you're comfortable with who can fulfill your sexual needs. Women tend to involve themselves with one friends with benefits relationship at a time, and usually if they're a rational woman, it's with someone they've probably friend zoned long time ago so that the guy knows she doesn't really think of him in that way. These guys know you. They know what you like. And you're comfortable to the point where you can openly express what you like and don't like sexually in an open and blunt way that doesn't cause weird complications. So women who do this, aren't just going around sleeping with any and everybody, its someone they know and trust, and these relationships can last for quite some time if it remains casual, as in once in a while over an everyday thing. And to debunk the part that women engage in these relationships to overcompensate their emotional neediness, I am not going to lie and say that many women do not enter these relationships hoping for more, but what I will say is that there are some women who look to friend with benefits relationships not because they are lonely, but because they want to be intimate, but yet not have to deal with all of the responsibilities of a relationship. For instance, if you are the high powered woman of today's society, you may not have all the time in the world to dote on a guy, stroke his ego, stay up half the night to deal with his emotional baggage that he's suppressed since childhood because society tells men to suck up their feelings, and all that jazz. But that does not mean we as women don't still like to cuddle and have sex. We just also like the freedom of getting up and leaving after. Not all of us want to stay and try to get you to open up to us, and fix you breakfast in bed, and leave clothing at your house so that we have an excuse to come back. Not all of us are emotionally needy and are lying about being cool with being casual.

The third and last myth that I would like to debunk is that all friends with benefits relationships tend to end because women cannot separate emotions from sex, and so she will always want to get a relationship out of it. From my experiences this is a false perception. The reason I state so is because while women are more emotional than men, that does not mean that they are the only ones who have emotions. Many men may not want to commit, but a lot of men involved with friend with benefits relationships tend to blur the lines between just friends and relationship. A lot of guys like to do all the relationship activities, get jealous easily, and make ambiguous statements about their feelings toward the woman they're involved with, then later wonder why she wanted to be a girlfriend. I feel like many friend with benefits relationships should be casual, and if they start to be more than casual well then the two parties involved need to have a conversation about the rules and guidelines they need set up so that unintentional feelings fail to grow from the women involved. Now that's one side to the puzzle.

The other side to the puzzle are men's emotions. Men get involved with many casual relationships and usually in doing so, they come across  a lot of women who are yearning for a relationship. Men know how to prepare for this and evade this. What men fail to handle well though, are women who got into the friend with benefits relationship for the same reason that they did and are less prone to take their actions filled with mixed signals into serious consideration. I'm not sure why but men's feelings then begin to grow. Usually not to point where they will commit (though still some do) but usually to a point where they expect to be the only special person in your life and want you two to act like a couple but without actually being committed to each other through a relationship. And many times they will deeply consider the relationship (multiple times), but for some reason they'll look at the fact that the woman has not once mentioned the idea of being in a relationship with them as a sign that she would reject them (which if you're a girl who got into this kind  of  relationship for the right reasons you most likely will; he was not boyfriend material in your eyes). And so at times, guys can do little things out of harbored anger and resentment from not feeling good enough to either try to make you jealous, or to get back at you in some weird way. When this happens, or they actually do ask for a relationship and you deny their request, the friendship is basically over. If you try to maintain it, it may very well turn into a competition of who can piss the other one off more each time you meet and exchange rude remarks. In most of my friends with benefits relationship, it usually ended because the guy ended up catching feelings, which left him either heartbroken or full of anger and resentment. So no it is not always women's faults friends with benefits relationships can end horribly. It can also be the guy's.

So those are my thoughts on women and friends with benefits relationships. What are your thoughts and experiences?

Haters Gonna Hate But Don't Let That Stop You

As a young, educated, Black woman I have never been found of the term hater. I have never liked the sayings, shout out to my haters, I love my haters, or my haters motivate me. The reason being was because in my life I have always had support systems, I was genuinely like-able, and because people often liked me they usually supported my goals and aspirations. So I never had real experiences with haters. I had a few people over the years who didn't like me for meaningless reasons, and yes some of them even went out of their way to try and make my life a living a hell. But as previously stated, these malicious acts were done over meaningless reasons that I genuinely didn't care that much about. The only thing that would bother me at that time was how individuals would put so much effort into dragging your name through the mud over things that just weren't of importance to yourself. So I will admit, that I thought many people who claimed they had haters were ignorant, and usually most of the time weren't worth hating on. But then things started to happen that removed the rose colored glasses from eyes and revealed to me that haters, do in fact exist.

So what is a hater. A hater is someone who puts a lot of negative attention on you not because you have done anything wrong to them, but mainly because you are making success and power moves that they have failed to make in their own lives, and so because they have not given themselves permission to dominate their own lives, they try to keep you down in the slumps where they are. A visual of how this would work would be to look at crabs in a barrel. As soon as one crabs starts heading to the top of the barrel to escape, another crab will drag him back down. So a hater's sole purpose is to try and bring you down a notch instead of also pursuing to reach higher levels in life. They typically like to claim that they are working toward pursuing goals of some sort, and they often like to brag on the little accomplishments they have made at every chance they get to the person that they're hating on as if it's supposed to insult them in some way, but in general they aren't really doing much to get worked up over even if you by chance was a hater yourself. Now I want you to keep in mind that specific haters come and go, especially people that really have no significance in your life, but the point is that haters come, and many of them can end up being friends and family. The trouble here is that if you're not cautious, one day you can find yourself surrounded by them, and that is where dreams die if you let them.

So I will tell you a little bit about some of the experiences I've had over the past year when it comes to haters. The haters I've had fortunately have not come from my family, mine sadly have come from friends, or at least people that I thought were friends. The reason why I say I thought they were friends is because I like to consider myself as a good friend. And as a good friend, if someone I'm friends with decides to do something that I don't believe is the best thing to do but they're all for it and enthusiastic, I won't try to convince them to see things my way. I may ask them a few questions to see if they're sure that's what they really want to do but I will not lecture them or try to minimize their efforts. I treat people like that because I know that though I may not agree, as their friend they still will need my support, and also as their friend, if I believe its a bad idea and they don't, I have to give them room to learn from their mistakes and crash and burn if they have to. Why? Because that is their life. It's their journey to make, and in all honesty their personal decisions really doesn't have too much effect on my life, and so I don't need to be stressed over their actions. Some of my friends on the other hand will not do that. They will ask me questions about my endeavors to try and instill doubt. And when that doesn't work then they will try and lecture me about why MY decisions concerning MY life is wrong to THEM. And then when that doesn't work, if I happen to mention my endeavors around them, they immediately get upset and then try to start debates, or they try to minimize it as if its not important and will try to talk me into activities that will take my focus away from achieving my goals. Now going through these things with people that you really care about can be very disheartening. Many people have told me that these individuals do these things because they either don't understand your goals and so mistrust it, or they're trying to protect you from failure. But one thing I've learned in times like this is that neither of these reasons are true. Yes, people when they don't understand certain concepts they will tend to dislike it without reason and mistrust it. And yes, people genuinely would like to protect their loved ones form certain things. But what I have come to learn is that EGO is one hell of a personal demon. The way these people are behaving has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. If someone does not understand the goals of a loved one, it is their responsibility to gain perspective on it so that they can then support them. Refusing to hear the person out and see their perspective shows the lack of love and respect you have for that person. And when people use the argument that loved ones are trying to protect you, understand that in those situations that is not love. That is control. Your loved is one is trying to control your behaviors. Why? So that they will not feel uncomfortable about what is going on in their own life. I'll use the analogy of a strict, conservative parent. A strict, conservative parent most likely will not feel comfortable allowing their young teenage daughter to go to a party. The idea of their child possibly drinking and partaking in sexual activities is an uneasy one. In this situation many of us could agree that the parent may not be seen in too bad of light because they are genuinely concerned for their child's safety and have acted in a reasonable manner. But what if that teenage daughter gets older and wants to go off to college and now the parents feel that instead of going off to college, their daughter should stay at home and attend community college so that way they can still enact control because it makes them more comfortable being able to know what their daughter is doing at all times so that may feel comfortable. Many of us would think that a decision like that was outrageous because now the parents are greatly hindering the child's opportunities for success and growth. Now the child upon reaching adulthood, still has a great dependence on their parents, and has little to no chance to achieve many of their goals and aspirations. But what's more disturbing is that the child has now come to terms with the reality of being unsuccessful and will no longer strive to be more than average. This is what many of our friends and family are doing to us, but you have to ask yourself if these "acts of love" are justified if it kills your passions in life.

When this starts to happen you definitely need to find a new support system. People who not only understand and wish to support you in your endeavors, but whole-heartedly wishes to see you succeed in them. Get with these people for they will build you up and breathe life into you when you stumble or forget to look at the bigger picture when faced with obstacle, after obstacle along your journey. So no this is not Drake's all me because even though Drake claims he came up by himself, we all know there were those who had to help him along the way. And to get where you dream to be there will be those that bring you up as well.

Now I will also say real quick, the road to success is not easy, but if gets you to where you want to go then its definitely worth it. Don't worry about the haters who just talk bad about you because they wish they had the courage to pursue their goals like you pursue yours, and don't become disheartened when friends and family turn to enemies in a way from lack of support and understanding. Yes the latter situation hurts a whole hell of a lot more than the former, but all of this is reshaping you to become a divine essence of yourself. Its forcing you to tap into your true nature and strength, and at the end of the journey when you will witness the diamond that was formed because of all that pressure placed upon you, you will realize just how magnificent you are and wonder why you ever let the concerns of others stop you from being you. So while you're in your journey, just remember that its all a balancing act, and like Janelle Monae, you just have to keep tipping on the tightrope and dance up on those haters. Just know that whatever happens, you must always keep moving forward.

Misconceptions of the Independent BLACK Woman

Lately on social media sites, I have been seeing many people post articles on how Feminism and the "Independent Black Woman," has ruined relationships in the Black community. I always find these articles intriguing while in many ways lacking and inaccurate. I believe the reason for this is that so many authors of these articles fail to look at the issue of independent women and relationships from many different angles. In this article I will plan to touch on a few that I believe should be taken into account.

Being Raised an Independent Woman

Many women who are considered independent women in the Black community felt that they were raised to not need a man for anything. Many say it's because of the epidemic of single mothers in the Black community and I am not here to look into the history of the issue and its psychosis but where some people conclude that most independent women feel this way when it is not the case. I was raised by both parents who both came from large families. Most of my cousins on my dad's side of the family are college educated and have and or working on careers, and for the most part many of them are married. They are from the South and so the prestige of being college educated and making something of yourself is very desirable. Now on my mother's side of the family, which are from the North, the girls were pushed to become college educated and make something of themselves and give back to the community. For whatever reason the men in my family were not pushed as hard to do the same thing and so most of them have not. I am telling this story to show the divide. In both environments being college educated and working on a career is considered something worth doing for the women, but for the men it is not. And in the environment where it is, you don't hear of the horrors of the "independent woman" so much as an issue to evade marriage. Environment is key, but also I would like to touch on the fact that many women claim that they were told to keep their heads in the books and not worry about these men. I believe that many women are taught this because in a culture where the women are still trying to find their place in society, they can easily give up their hopes in dreams in exchange for an immature love that most likely won't last. That's not saying that when you find love you must choose your education/career over a relationship. There is a such thing as compromise. I am a woman who was taught to keep my heads in the books as well but I was also taught that you need to know how to take care of yourself, not for the purpose of not needing a man for anything, but for the purpose of if there is not a man around to assist you with certain things you must still get these things done and so you must know how to do them. That difference shows that when a man has entered your environment you can allow him to assist or take care of certain aspects not push them out. But more importantly this act shows that a woman is a team player and can bring a lot to the table in a relationship.

Independent Women Have Unrealistic Standards

Sad to say on this topic I am extremely biased. Why? Because I'm an independent woman. I remember once I wrote a list of things I would like for a guy that I should date to be like, and instead of most people actually seeing the list for what it was they compared it to other women's lists who standards were actually ridiculous. My list was mostly comprised of character traits rather than materialism. I chose the character traits I did because I know what I find attractive in the opposite sex on a mental level so I know that's what I want to go after. And so I dislike the question most guys ask women of what they like in men. That question for some reason makes women answer based on a guy's physical appearance, or on the materials that they have acquired in their life. All of that is superficial. But I believe that in the Black community, many aspects of our relationships are very superficial. So only looking at the superficial, many independent women will come up with some crazy unrealistic answers. But when a woman answers based on character traits, many men are quick to tell an independent woman that she will be single forever and never find a guy like that. My disclaimer to this notion is to pay attention to the guy telling you this. In my experience, the guys who usually tell you this are comfortable with living a mediocre life, and usually tend to be unfaithful and disrespectful to their significant others. Ladies, character traits are the best way to go when looking for a spouse. It says more about a man than his paycheck or how handsome he is, if you plan to have a relationship that doesn't lead to divorce. So when you say you have standards, don't let your standards be based on the superficial.

Independent Black Women Cause Black Men to Go After White Women

 Now when it comes to this issue I often find this stereotype to be the most ignorant of all. The reason being is that men say this as if all independent Black women are the same and that all White women are the same. From having white roommates for three years and usually having classes mostly comprised of women of which I'm usually one of the 1-3 black faces in the class, I have gotten to spend a lot of time with White women and learn of their relationships. And to be completely honest, White women are not so different from Black women. But what I happen to see often is that these White women, not so different from myself, have been in long-term relationships, often engaged or married. So what causes this difference? I believe its the environment. In the 70's is when the women's movement picked up again for equal opportunities in jobs and careers. Those independent White women already have had to fight for their equality in careers and in relationships. Women like Anne Doyle who teach women to power up and be leaders have had long relationships that they built with men. White women have already established their standards, and their men realized that if you do not want to miss out on a great woman they need to live up to those standards. But seeing how many white men already had prestige being college educated and career driven, they were able to understand what their women were bringing to the table even though it took time for the notion to be accepted. I stated earlier that Black women, in general are still finding their place in society, but so are our men. And on one side of my family the women are pushed more to be educated than the men. So the women, having certain standards that many of their male counterparts have not had to live by in their own personal lives can make relationships seem unattainable. To those women I say surround yourself with men who have acquired those standards personally, and then look to the ones that also are looking for an equal and not a cheerleader or trophy wife. Because sometimes when men say Independent women makes them want white women, what they really are saying is that they are looking for a woman who is college educated but yet hasn't established a large goal in life outside of being a mother and wife. That woman is solely a support system and not a team player, and some men don't want to admit that that is what they truly want from a woman, and so they blame it on your standards instead of theirs. I'm not saying all White women are this way or even most, but it has been pre-conceived that White women are all-nurturing creatures and that Black men don't have to do as much when it comes to dating white women when in reality they usually have to do just as much for White women (if not more) as they would for Black women. But remember ladies, it is a two-way street. You can always inter-racially date just as well as Black men do, even though many of us would prefer to have chocolate babies. Unlike the picture listed above, there are actually a lot of White men out there ready to give some Black women the world.

To close this article I would like to remind the readers that the definition of an independent woman is one who is financially sound. She takes care of herself, pays her own bills and things of that sort. The fact that this is looked at as a negative is somewhat astounding since we are all taught that you shouldn't entertain those who expect a handout. But I want the readers to realize the stereotypes of independent Black women hurts us as a community greatly because it lessens ambition, lowers standards, and creates mediocrity throughout. And I also want to remind women and men to know that an independent woman can make a great wife. The example I will use is Michelle Obama. Michelle went to Princeton and was an associate in a Chicago law firm before she met Barack. Barack was an intern for the law firm when they met. Even though he had not acquired what she had in her life, she recognized his character and he took her out on a date in his run down car. She looked past superficial aspects and loved him for what....his character. They married and though she hasn't practiced law in 20 years she never gave up helping the community and doing philanthropic work and pushing her own initiatives to better the country even though her husband is now the President of the United States. They recognized what each other brought to the table and have made a great team together in their relationship. So today I ask that many women aspire to be the non-superficial independent women, and for our men to aspire to be worthy of us, be our equal, and support the movement of independent women.

Feminism Destroyed Marriages?!? You Sure It Wasn't Grown Boys?

This morning I saw an article talking about Pat Robertson (the televangelical host of the 700 Club) and his controversial remarks on marriage. Seeing how this man always has something to say, and I believe spews the ignorance of a close-minded older generation I decided to see what he said for entertainment reasons. And this is what he had to say:

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

And in response to a woman who had this to say about her cheating husband, "I've been trying to forgive my husband for cheating on me, we have gone to counseling, but I just can't seem to forgive, nor can I trust. How do you let go of the anger? How do you trust again?" Robertson had this to say:          

•  "Here's the secret, stop talking the cheating. He cheated on you, well, he's a man."
•  “The wife needs to focus on the reasons she married her spouse”
• "Does he provide a home for you to live in, does he provide food for you to eat? Does he provide       clothes for you to wear? Is he nice to the children... Is he handsome?"
•  "Recognize also, like it or not, males have a tendency to wander a little bit. What you want to do is       make a home so wonderful that he doesn't want to wander" or give in to the ‘salacious’ magazine          pictures and Internet filled with porn.”

In January, Robertson told viewers. that "awful-looking" women can cause marriages to lose their spark

"It just isn't something to just lie there, 'Well, I'm married to him so he's got to take me slatternly looking,'" he said. "You've got to fix yourself up, look pretty."

Similarly, in 2010 the host advised a woman complaining about her husband's flirtatious ways not to "hassle him about it" and just make herself as attractive as possible.

          To these statements the first thing I thought to myself was why is it men are so threatened by women being so independent, always stating that it’s an anti-family movement. Is it anti-family because men are not exactly needed to have a nice home, to be the provider of food, to buy a woman nice clothes? Or is it anti-family because men no longer have leverage to make a woman stay when he can’t be a man worth being the head of a household. In Pat Robertson’s era of marriage, women did not have a lot of rights and good-paying jobs available where they needed a man who could add more to the household where they could not. My second thought is why is he so superficial? Stating that a woman has to make herself as attractive as possible to keep her man from straying to other women when beauty fades is a ridiculous statement. Also saying that a woman should focus on the reasons why she married her husband to stay with him after he cheats could also be an argument to keep him from cheating. Why did he not consider how much his wife and marriage means to him and focus on that to stop him from straying. I am so tired of this double-standard bullshit men like this spew, because if a woman was to say her husband wasn’t looking up to par and doing his husbandly duties so she felt the need to stray it would not be dismissed so easily but instead used to vilify her saying that it is the woman’s job to stay and be supportive even if he is not living up to his vows, though it is ok for him to step-outside of the marriage whether she lives up to her vows or not.

It is time for this way of thinking to die out but sadly even in my generation it can be very prevalent. For instance, he other day I happened to pull up twitter on an app on my phone and saw that my timeline hadn’t updated for about an hour or two. So instead of updating my timeline to the newest posts, I decided to scroll up it when I came across a rant that looked like this:

• “They downplayed marriage and told our women to be independent…..when you came from MY       
  
  
  RIB you s’posed to support.”
•  “They also decided to give sex this utmost importance so now she thinks the worst thing she can go through is infidelity“
• In grandma and grandpa’s days you were able to get an extra lady for every extra zero on yo salary,     and Gma STAYED and PLAYED her role”
• “You gotta let a man be a man. And play yo role by being a WOman. Women aren’t men. Y’all not      supposed to take the lead.”
• “If we talking marriage from Gma and Gpa days... that's real shit where two people kept a bond even if he had a whole 'nother family 3 blocks away, lol #Real”

After these twitter posts he goes on to exclaim how he should have lived back in the era of the 50’s and 60’s because the media has brainwashed society, but more importantly women into de-valuing marriage and not wanting to be in it forever, just looking for any excuse, especially cheating to end it. More and more males are taking on this reasoning and I have to say that I call BULLSHIT.
            
           The reason I say this is because the age of grandma and grandpa was a highly emotional and physical abusive age. Let’s look at my grandparents for instance. After impregnating my grandmother twice, he felt the obligation to marry her though he in all actuality did not love her. He did not physically abuse her (from what I know of) but he did emotionally and mentally abuse her. Making her feel inadequate, only giving her a little bit of money towards food and clothes for their 10 children even when he would receive bonuses, had at least 4 illegitimate children of which devastated her, cheated as often as possible, and would come home from work and seclude himself to his room where his children would send up his dinner then collect his plate afterwards, among other things. My grandmother was so distraught by his actions that she bathed herself in church and God, but also caused her to mentally and even physically abuse her own children as a reaction. Can we literally say that this is the “great age of marriage” or the great age of legal slave ownership of a spouse. Back then it was basically illegal to get a divorce. I think it many cases it was unless your husband physically abused you, but seeing how many states declared it legal for men to abuse and rape their wives at the time, that’s not really saying much.
          
     

So when I hear declarations against women being independent and how it is destroying marriages, what I believe to be the real case is that the males that make these declarations are not men, they are grown boys. The last time I checked Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, and many others had their own careers going and were very independent. But alas they are married. Hillary didn’t divorce Bill after the affair (though I believe she should have, maybe it’s just me but I won’t be made a fool nationally) and Michelle helped Obama to make a big name for himself so that he could become the President. HE USED TO INTERN FOR HER PEOPLE! But the point I’m making is independent women are not the reason marriages fail at a high rate these days, immature men are the reason.
           
 I’ve heard many men say this but I like the way the author of the blog Black Girls Are Easy describes it, and that is the game changer.

Every man comes across this game changer, but most of them fuck it up because they’re scared of what she represents—the end of an era. He’s afraid he’s going to become one of those squares who stays up under a chick, can’t kick it with the homies, or party with the ratchets. The world that he thinks makes him happy is about to end because this exceptional woman has the power to make him grow the fuck up. Boo fucking hoo. Immature niggas love to sabotage themselves and make any excuse to hold on to the old ways. Dude treats this perfect woman like most democrats treated Obama; the world isn’t ready, wait for the right time blah blah blah. Naw man, fuck waiting, you cannot prolong change, and you have to accept that shit when it happens or you will lose that opportunity. – BlackGirlsAreEasy.Com
            
 The game changer is simply a woman that a man allows himself to love, and in loving her grows into his potential and for her he would let go his cheating ways for and all that other good stuff. A man once told me that if a man can cheat on the woman he loves with no problem, then he doesn’t honestly love her, he loves what she can do for him which is rid him of  lonely nights, take care of a nice home, can cook, he can have children with, and place devotion upon him. Many males these days are looking to settle for the woman who they love what she can do for him, instead of actually loving a woman. Many males have stated that the fear of growing up have kept them away from plenty of good women, thinking that it wasn’t the right time, or that he has all the time in the world to find someone. But there is a saying I love and it states, “If you are not growing, you are dying.” Men are doing themselves a disservice by settling into these relationships and not going after the women they really want to be with. Don’t blame a woman for having standards. Blame yourself for not being willing to meet them.
           
 For instance, I have a few guy friends who settle but one stands out in particular. This guy was a very close friend of mine, so close in fact that we developed a “more than friends” relationship which lasted a good little while. But when things started to get serious and I realized he had not grown up enough for me I decided it was time to let the “more than” part go. At first he was reluctant but then out the blue he started dating this other girl. I thought that with that being the case our friendship would go back to normal, but boy was I wrong. The reason was because he had SETTLED. The guy was not physically attracted to his new girl, and so kept trying to keep me around hoping that I would lower my standards. See he was lonely and had wanted a girlfriend, he just knew that I wasn’t down for the cause so he got someone to fill the role instead of the person he actually wanted because he didn’t want to grow up into the man that was right for her. And I know what some of you are thinking, “MEN DON’T SETTLE, THEY CHOOSE.” Correction, they CHOOSE to SETTLE! If you don’t believe me then let’s look at the facts:

Anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD, of Rutgers. (Fisher has written five books and conducted extensive       research on the evolution and future of human sex, love, marriage, gender differences in the brain and      how your personality type shapes who you are and who you love. Her latest is Why Him? Why Her?     How to Find and Keep Lasting Love.) Fisher’s latest study is of singles in America. The study found that  31 percent of adult men said they’d commit to a person they were not in love with – as long as she had    all the other attributes they were looking for in a mate — and 21 percent said they’d commit under those same circumstances to somebody they weren’t sexually attracted to. The equivalent numbers for women were far lower.

The truth is in the pudding guys. So men stop claiming that feminism, and women’s independence have destroyed marriages, because there are many high-powered, independent women who are married and perfectly happy. Just come to the realization and admit that in this age of strong women with standards you are actively, if you are not trying to be a strong man of integrity that she wants to follow, then she will leave to find a man who will, so play your role by being a grown man, or else all you will find is grown girls. Because grown women will not put up with a man’s bullshit when she knows her worth. Raheem Devaughn said it best, “a grown woman knows how to tell you no, a grown woman knows when to let you go.” So if you don’t want to be let go like the Laker’s don’t want to lose their franchise player Kobe Bryant who’s a free agent, then you need to grow up and show a woman why you’re worth her time in staying.

Marriage Equality: The Never Ending Debate

So as I write this, the Supreme Court is being swarmed with supporters for marriage equality of same-sex couples and non-supporters. Whenever this age-old debate comes to focus I always see different ones post of why they don't believe in marriage equality, but the reasons always seem to miss the mark so in this post today I will touch on what rights same-sex couples are fighting for, some arguments against marriage equality, and my own personal defenses against those arguments.
First we'll talk about issues that many same-sex couples have been fighting over the years. One issue that is one of the main issues today is that same-sex couples are not awarded the same benefits as heterosexual couples such as Social Security benefits, filing for joint adoption, veteran's disability, joint filing of bankruptcy, next-of-kin status for emergency medical decisions or filing wrongful death claims, family visitation rights for the spouse and non-biological children, such as to visit a spouse in a hospital or prison, domestic violence intervention (using restraining orders), custodial rights to children, shared property, child support, and alimony after divorce, permission to make funeral arrangements for a deceased spouse, including burial or cremation, (for those divorced or widowed) the right to many of ex- or late spouse's benefits, joint parenting rights, such as access to children's school records and many more. I find that when it comes to simple rights as these, many heterosexuals would agree that these are great rights to fight for, but it saddens me to see that these issues tend to not be at the forefront of such debates as should we allow marriage equality. Instead we focus on reasons that are in my opinion irrelevant to the issue.

The first argument against it that I will talk about is the redefining marriage implications argument. That argument states that if we redefine marriage to include same-sex couples, we open the doors for bestiality, polygamy, and poly-amorous relationships along with incestuous ones. So let's touch on the flaws to this argument.

1. Bestiality is legal in at least 16 states which is sex with an animal. But more importantly an animal cannot concede to marriage so to say that redefining marriage opens the doorways to this absurd.
2. Polygamy and poly-amorous relationships currently exist in the U.S. They are not legal no, but many times individuals cannot be prosecuted to the full extent the law who live in sects that promote polygamy. Many of those sects, adhere to their own laws which do not look for the same benefits of the common heterosexual couple, but I will admit that this argument of possibly having to include polygamy in to the redefinition of marriage has some credence.
3. Incestuous relationships cannot be a legitimate argument only for the mere fact that it was outlawed not because of moral values, but because of biological ones. Related individuals share a lot of the same DNA and so genetic disorders that are common in families can be more likely passed down to offspring causing life-long hardship in those individuals. I believe that even if marriage was redefined, because of health issues this would not be included.

Another argument that I tend to hear often is that same-sex marriages should not be legal because homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. This touches into another age old debate on whether or not one is born gay or chooses to be gay. Although the jury is still out on this more and more evidence is pointing toward the answer being individuals are born gay. There is a new untested theory out right now that homosexuality may be the cause of epigenetics which is when your environment changes the expression of your DNA. Now like I said, this theory is untested but we have many things that show that this theory may be correct. For instance, when it comes to identical twins, if one is homosexual there is a 52% chance that their twin is as well, and that goes down to 20% in fraternal twins. Some other things to take into account are how male and females tend to on average of have differently developed common brain structures, and many studies are showing that some women who have brain structures that look like the common male will tend to more attracted to women, and vice versa. Some scientists study this phenomenon during sexual dimorphism in utero which is when a fetus starts to develop into either a male or female and have seen that women who produce large amounts of adrenal androgens (male oriented hormones) who carry female children in utero tend to grow up bisexual, and this is just one study of hormones effects on sexual orientation of many. Also I would like to make aware that homosexuality is not strictly a human act. Animals across the animal kingdom engage in homosexuality, and seeing how we share 33% of our DNA with a dandelion, and 98% with the common ape and almost all animals across that 33%-98% that we're related to engage in it this has to be a natural occurrence. Now many will then state well we are not animals and were born with free will and the knowledge of sin, trust me I will get to that in the next argument.


One argument that is the popular favorite of society is the biblical argument. Many state, "the bible says marriage is between one man and one woman." That is very well true, but this is where the issue comes into play. For one, we state a lot that the United States has a separation of church and state, which means that no matter the Christian view on the issue, that should not interfere with state matters. Also seeing how America is a melting pot, and in the 1st amendment there states a freedom of religion, I do not believe that we should make laws based solely on one's religion's view of the matter and enforce it on all. What if someone was an atheist (still considered a form of religion by many) who was homosexual? Could we say that they are subject to law based on Christian principles, especially when its suggested (the number keeps changing of the percentile and I expect this number to be false since one study shows that 30% of younger individuals claim to be of no religion and since we have citizens of all kinds of religion I just don't think this number is correct) that 70% of Americans are Christian. What about the other 30% of citizens, especially in a country that states that there is a separation of Church and state? Should their rights be infringed upon when we say are country is founded upon the principles of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Also I stated in the last argument that I would touch on free will and sin of humans since homosexuality is very well assumed to be a natural act. If individuals have free will let them choose how they want to live. You may look at it as sin but I do remember reading a Gnostic Gospel once were Jesus said to the disciples that there is no sin except for when you do things that are in the nature of adultery. That's one religious interpretation that goes against many others but hey if they want to be married so that they won't have to partake in acts that are like adultery why should we stop them?

I say Goodbye to 2012 and Hello to 2013

2012 is now officially over and I must say, I am not severely sad to see it go. 2012 was a very cruel teacher but it came with a lot of fun rewards. For instance, I was able to be in the Real Women Like Us: Redefining beauty fashion show,  I partied in Chicago for my 22nd birthday, and I got to spend a week long trip in a beach house North Carolina with my large family. But 2012 made me realize that if I choose to hold onto things that no longer serve me, life will force me to leave it behind even if I have very few options to turn to in the midst of finding out what does serve me and what to do to get where I need to be.  For instance I had to leave old friends behind or at least create great space between us for they were dragging me down mentally and emotionally. My family had to leave our old home behind  which has caused family members to become stronger and to grow.And so many other things have happened. I've survived the hardest semester of my life while working a job and growing a business, and it has taught me so many things about myself, life, and brought me further down my path of spirituality. I believe 2012 was a year of tests, a year of sowing. So I believe that 2013 will be a year of reaping. And because the trials of 2012 were so great, the rewards that we shall reap should be equally as great. So 2012 I am thankful for all that you have taught me and have prepared me for. And to 2013, I have great expectations for you. I believe that you will lead to places I can scarcely imagine and that I shall achieve all of my heart's desires in you. I cannot wait to see what all you bring for me and all of humankind.

I'm Back: Sorry for the Wait

Hello people.
I've been on a long hiatus and I am sorry I couldn't show more love to you. Fall semester of college was very draining physically, mentally and emotionally, and I just could not take the time to get my life in order so that I could report on the changes I've made in my life on this road to accomplishing living fiery and loving. But the good news is that the trying semester has allowed me to move further down that road.

Last semester made me step into a leadership role of my psyche' that has catapulted me to what I now call my stand still. Now when I say stand still, my life is not boring, nor does it mean I am not continuing to learn new lessons everyday, it just means the emotional ups and downs have begun to level out. I've realized that I no longer tend to stress out about certain things, that I am no longer as easily affected by negativity, and that I can find humor in almost all situations. Being on this road of getting back to me was not easy in the least, but you realize once you've gone through it that it is not as difficult as you allow yourself to believe. Just continue to have faith in yourself, flow with life, make strong and carefully thought out decisions, and continue to self reflect as you do reading that is good for the soul and possibly some meditation. And always remember that music is food for your soul so just some good music can elevate your mood. But I need you to also keep in mind that having a group of people in your life that will continually bring smiles to your face is also a great thing to have.

In these past few months I have accomplished so much on this journey, just looking back on it makes me smile. I've even gotten to a point (I think) that even though I would like to share my life with a "special someone" I am perfectly content with flying solo. For me, that's a big thing because I'm a romantic at heart, but I listened to India Arie's I am ready for love and for the first time I didn't feel that song to my core. In fact I thought, maybe I do need to learn more maturity and shrugged it off. That example, and the fact that everyday I seem to wake up with a smile on my face, go through the whole day with laughter, and fall asleep grinning as well let's me know that I am well on my way to fiery living and loving. Hopefully soon I can go in-depth on some aspects of my journey and continue to update you on new endeavors.