Feminism Destroyed Marriages?!? You Sure It Wasn't Grown Boys?

This morning I saw an article talking about Pat Robertson (the televangelical host of the 700 Club) and his controversial remarks on marriage. Seeing how this man always has something to say, and I believe spews the ignorance of a close-minded older generation I decided to see what he said for entertainment reasons. And this is what he had to say:

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."

And in response to a woman who had this to say about her cheating husband, "I've been trying to forgive my husband for cheating on me, we have gone to counseling, but I just can't seem to forgive, nor can I trust. How do you let go of the anger? How do you trust again?" Robertson had this to say:          

•  "Here's the secret, stop talking the cheating. He cheated on you, well, he's a man."
•  “The wife needs to focus on the reasons she married her spouse”
• "Does he provide a home for you to live in, does he provide food for you to eat? Does he provide       clothes for you to wear? Is he nice to the children... Is he handsome?"
•  "Recognize also, like it or not, males have a tendency to wander a little bit. What you want to do is       make a home so wonderful that he doesn't want to wander" or give in to the ‘salacious’ magazine          pictures and Internet filled with porn.”

In January, Robertson told viewers. that "awful-looking" women can cause marriages to lose their spark

"It just isn't something to just lie there, 'Well, I'm married to him so he's got to take me slatternly looking,'" he said. "You've got to fix yourself up, look pretty."

Similarly, in 2010 the host advised a woman complaining about her husband's flirtatious ways not to "hassle him about it" and just make herself as attractive as possible.

          To these statements the first thing I thought to myself was why is it men are so threatened by women being so independent, always stating that it’s an anti-family movement. Is it anti-family because men are not exactly needed to have a nice home, to be the provider of food, to buy a woman nice clothes? Or is it anti-family because men no longer have leverage to make a woman stay when he can’t be a man worth being the head of a household. In Pat Robertson’s era of marriage, women did not have a lot of rights and good-paying jobs available where they needed a man who could add more to the household where they could not. My second thought is why is he so superficial? Stating that a woman has to make herself as attractive as possible to keep her man from straying to other women when beauty fades is a ridiculous statement. Also saying that a woman should focus on the reasons why she married her husband to stay with him after he cheats could also be an argument to keep him from cheating. Why did he not consider how much his wife and marriage means to him and focus on that to stop him from straying. I am so tired of this double-standard bullshit men like this spew, because if a woman was to say her husband wasn’t looking up to par and doing his husbandly duties so she felt the need to stray it would not be dismissed so easily but instead used to vilify her saying that it is the woman’s job to stay and be supportive even if he is not living up to his vows, though it is ok for him to step-outside of the marriage whether she lives up to her vows or not.

It is time for this way of thinking to die out but sadly even in my generation it can be very prevalent. For instance, he other day I happened to pull up twitter on an app on my phone and saw that my timeline hadn’t updated for about an hour or two. So instead of updating my timeline to the newest posts, I decided to scroll up it when I came across a rant that looked like this:

• “They downplayed marriage and told our women to be independent…..when you came from MY       
  
  
  RIB you s’posed to support.”
•  “They also decided to give sex this utmost importance so now she thinks the worst thing she can go through is infidelity“
• In grandma and grandpa’s days you were able to get an extra lady for every extra zero on yo salary,     and Gma STAYED and PLAYED her role”
• “You gotta let a man be a man. And play yo role by being a WOman. Women aren’t men. Y’all not      supposed to take the lead.”
• “If we talking marriage from Gma and Gpa days... that's real shit where two people kept a bond even if he had a whole 'nother family 3 blocks away, lol #Real”

After these twitter posts he goes on to exclaim how he should have lived back in the era of the 50’s and 60’s because the media has brainwashed society, but more importantly women into de-valuing marriage and not wanting to be in it forever, just looking for any excuse, especially cheating to end it. More and more males are taking on this reasoning and I have to say that I call BULLSHIT.
            
           The reason I say this is because the age of grandma and grandpa was a highly emotional and physical abusive age. Let’s look at my grandparents for instance. After impregnating my grandmother twice, he felt the obligation to marry her though he in all actuality did not love her. He did not physically abuse her (from what I know of) but he did emotionally and mentally abuse her. Making her feel inadequate, only giving her a little bit of money towards food and clothes for their 10 children even when he would receive bonuses, had at least 4 illegitimate children of which devastated her, cheated as often as possible, and would come home from work and seclude himself to his room where his children would send up his dinner then collect his plate afterwards, among other things. My grandmother was so distraught by his actions that she bathed herself in church and God, but also caused her to mentally and even physically abuse her own children as a reaction. Can we literally say that this is the “great age of marriage” or the great age of legal slave ownership of a spouse. Back then it was basically illegal to get a divorce. I think it many cases it was unless your husband physically abused you, but seeing how many states declared it legal for men to abuse and rape their wives at the time, that’s not really saying much.
          
     

So when I hear declarations against women being independent and how it is destroying marriages, what I believe to be the real case is that the males that make these declarations are not men, they are grown boys. The last time I checked Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, and many others had their own careers going and were very independent. But alas they are married. Hillary didn’t divorce Bill after the affair (though I believe she should have, maybe it’s just me but I won’t be made a fool nationally) and Michelle helped Obama to make a big name for himself so that he could become the President. HE USED TO INTERN FOR HER PEOPLE! But the point I’m making is independent women are not the reason marriages fail at a high rate these days, immature men are the reason.
           
 I’ve heard many men say this but I like the way the author of the blog Black Girls Are Easy describes it, and that is the game changer.

Every man comes across this game changer, but most of them fuck it up because they’re scared of what she represents—the end of an era. He’s afraid he’s going to become one of those squares who stays up under a chick, can’t kick it with the homies, or party with the ratchets. The world that he thinks makes him happy is about to end because this exceptional woman has the power to make him grow the fuck up. Boo fucking hoo. Immature niggas love to sabotage themselves and make any excuse to hold on to the old ways. Dude treats this perfect woman like most democrats treated Obama; the world isn’t ready, wait for the right time blah blah blah. Naw man, fuck waiting, you cannot prolong change, and you have to accept that shit when it happens or you will lose that opportunity. – BlackGirlsAreEasy.Com
            
 The game changer is simply a woman that a man allows himself to love, and in loving her grows into his potential and for her he would let go his cheating ways for and all that other good stuff. A man once told me that if a man can cheat on the woman he loves with no problem, then he doesn’t honestly love her, he loves what she can do for him which is rid him of  lonely nights, take care of a nice home, can cook, he can have children with, and place devotion upon him. Many males these days are looking to settle for the woman who they love what she can do for him, instead of actually loving a woman. Many males have stated that the fear of growing up have kept them away from plenty of good women, thinking that it wasn’t the right time, or that he has all the time in the world to find someone. But there is a saying I love and it states, “If you are not growing, you are dying.” Men are doing themselves a disservice by settling into these relationships and not going after the women they really want to be with. Don’t blame a woman for having standards. Blame yourself for not being willing to meet them.
           
 For instance, I have a few guy friends who settle but one stands out in particular. This guy was a very close friend of mine, so close in fact that we developed a “more than friends” relationship which lasted a good little while. But when things started to get serious and I realized he had not grown up enough for me I decided it was time to let the “more than” part go. At first he was reluctant but then out the blue he started dating this other girl. I thought that with that being the case our friendship would go back to normal, but boy was I wrong. The reason was because he had SETTLED. The guy was not physically attracted to his new girl, and so kept trying to keep me around hoping that I would lower my standards. See he was lonely and had wanted a girlfriend, he just knew that I wasn’t down for the cause so he got someone to fill the role instead of the person he actually wanted because he didn’t want to grow up into the man that was right for her. And I know what some of you are thinking, “MEN DON’T SETTLE, THEY CHOOSE.” Correction, they CHOOSE to SETTLE! If you don’t believe me then let’s look at the facts:

Anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD, of Rutgers. (Fisher has written five books and conducted extensive       research on the evolution and future of human sex, love, marriage, gender differences in the brain and      how your personality type shapes who you are and who you love. Her latest is Why Him? Why Her?     How to Find and Keep Lasting Love.) Fisher’s latest study is of singles in America. The study found that  31 percent of adult men said they’d commit to a person they were not in love with – as long as she had    all the other attributes they were looking for in a mate — and 21 percent said they’d commit under those same circumstances to somebody they weren’t sexually attracted to. The equivalent numbers for women were far lower.

The truth is in the pudding guys. So men stop claiming that feminism, and women’s independence have destroyed marriages, because there are many high-powered, independent women who are married and perfectly happy. Just come to the realization and admit that in this age of strong women with standards you are actively, if you are not trying to be a strong man of integrity that she wants to follow, then she will leave to find a man who will, so play your role by being a grown man, or else all you will find is grown girls. Because grown women will not put up with a man’s bullshit when she knows her worth. Raheem Devaughn said it best, “a grown woman knows how to tell you no, a grown woman knows when to let you go.” So if you don’t want to be let go like the Laker’s don’t want to lose their franchise player Kobe Bryant who’s a free agent, then you need to grow up and show a woman why you’re worth her time in staying.

Marriage Equality: The Never Ending Debate

So as I write this, the Supreme Court is being swarmed with supporters for marriage equality of same-sex couples and non-supporters. Whenever this age-old debate comes to focus I always see different ones post of why they don't believe in marriage equality, but the reasons always seem to miss the mark so in this post today I will touch on what rights same-sex couples are fighting for, some arguments against marriage equality, and my own personal defenses against those arguments.
First we'll talk about issues that many same-sex couples have been fighting over the years. One issue that is one of the main issues today is that same-sex couples are not awarded the same benefits as heterosexual couples such as Social Security benefits, filing for joint adoption, veteran's disability, joint filing of bankruptcy, next-of-kin status for emergency medical decisions or filing wrongful death claims, family visitation rights for the spouse and non-biological children, such as to visit a spouse in a hospital or prison, domestic violence intervention (using restraining orders), custodial rights to children, shared property, child support, and alimony after divorce, permission to make funeral arrangements for a deceased spouse, including burial or cremation, (for those divorced or widowed) the right to many of ex- or late spouse's benefits, joint parenting rights, such as access to children's school records and many more. I find that when it comes to simple rights as these, many heterosexuals would agree that these are great rights to fight for, but it saddens me to see that these issues tend to not be at the forefront of such debates as should we allow marriage equality. Instead we focus on reasons that are in my opinion irrelevant to the issue.

The first argument against it that I will talk about is the redefining marriage implications argument. That argument states that if we redefine marriage to include same-sex couples, we open the doors for bestiality, polygamy, and poly-amorous relationships along with incestuous ones. So let's touch on the flaws to this argument.

1. Bestiality is legal in at least 16 states which is sex with an animal. But more importantly an animal cannot concede to marriage so to say that redefining marriage opens the doorways to this absurd.
2. Polygamy and poly-amorous relationships currently exist in the U.S. They are not legal no, but many times individuals cannot be prosecuted to the full extent the law who live in sects that promote polygamy. Many of those sects, adhere to their own laws which do not look for the same benefits of the common heterosexual couple, but I will admit that this argument of possibly having to include polygamy in to the redefinition of marriage has some credence.
3. Incestuous relationships cannot be a legitimate argument only for the mere fact that it was outlawed not because of moral values, but because of biological ones. Related individuals share a lot of the same DNA and so genetic disorders that are common in families can be more likely passed down to offspring causing life-long hardship in those individuals. I believe that even if marriage was redefined, because of health issues this would not be included.

Another argument that I tend to hear often is that same-sex marriages should not be legal because homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. This touches into another age old debate on whether or not one is born gay or chooses to be gay. Although the jury is still out on this more and more evidence is pointing toward the answer being individuals are born gay. There is a new untested theory out right now that homosexuality may be the cause of epigenetics which is when your environment changes the expression of your DNA. Now like I said, this theory is untested but we have many things that show that this theory may be correct. For instance, when it comes to identical twins, if one is homosexual there is a 52% chance that their twin is as well, and that goes down to 20% in fraternal twins. Some other things to take into account are how male and females tend to on average of have differently developed common brain structures, and many studies are showing that some women who have brain structures that look like the common male will tend to more attracted to women, and vice versa. Some scientists study this phenomenon during sexual dimorphism in utero which is when a fetus starts to develop into either a male or female and have seen that women who produce large amounts of adrenal androgens (male oriented hormones) who carry female children in utero tend to grow up bisexual, and this is just one study of hormones effects on sexual orientation of many. Also I would like to make aware that homosexuality is not strictly a human act. Animals across the animal kingdom engage in homosexuality, and seeing how we share 33% of our DNA with a dandelion, and 98% with the common ape and almost all animals across that 33%-98% that we're related to engage in it this has to be a natural occurrence. Now many will then state well we are not animals and were born with free will and the knowledge of sin, trust me I will get to that in the next argument.


One argument that is the popular favorite of society is the biblical argument. Many state, "the bible says marriage is between one man and one woman." That is very well true, but this is where the issue comes into play. For one, we state a lot that the United States has a separation of church and state, which means that no matter the Christian view on the issue, that should not interfere with state matters. Also seeing how America is a melting pot, and in the 1st amendment there states a freedom of religion, I do not believe that we should make laws based solely on one's religion's view of the matter and enforce it on all. What if someone was an atheist (still considered a form of religion by many) who was homosexual? Could we say that they are subject to law based on Christian principles, especially when its suggested (the number keeps changing of the percentile and I expect this number to be false since one study shows that 30% of younger individuals claim to be of no religion and since we have citizens of all kinds of religion I just don't think this number is correct) that 70% of Americans are Christian. What about the other 30% of citizens, especially in a country that states that there is a separation of Church and state? Should their rights be infringed upon when we say are country is founded upon the principles of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Also I stated in the last argument that I would touch on free will and sin of humans since homosexuality is very well assumed to be a natural act. If individuals have free will let them choose how they want to live. You may look at it as sin but I do remember reading a Gnostic Gospel once were Jesus said to the disciples that there is no sin except for when you do things that are in the nature of adultery. That's one religious interpretation that goes against many others but hey if they want to be married so that they won't have to partake in acts that are like adultery why should we stop them?

I say Goodbye to 2012 and Hello to 2013

2012 is now officially over and I must say, I am not severely sad to see it go. 2012 was a very cruel teacher but it came with a lot of fun rewards. For instance, I was able to be in the Real Women Like Us: Redefining beauty fashion show,  I partied in Chicago for my 22nd birthday, and I got to spend a week long trip in a beach house North Carolina with my large family. But 2012 made me realize that if I choose to hold onto things that no longer serve me, life will force me to leave it behind even if I have very few options to turn to in the midst of finding out what does serve me and what to do to get where I need to be.  For instance I had to leave old friends behind or at least create great space between us for they were dragging me down mentally and emotionally. My family had to leave our old home behind  which has caused family members to become stronger and to grow.And so many other things have happened. I've survived the hardest semester of my life while working a job and growing a business, and it has taught me so many things about myself, life, and brought me further down my path of spirituality. I believe 2012 was a year of tests, a year of sowing. So I believe that 2013 will be a year of reaping. And because the trials of 2012 were so great, the rewards that we shall reap should be equally as great. So 2012 I am thankful for all that you have taught me and have prepared me for. And to 2013, I have great expectations for you. I believe that you will lead to places I can scarcely imagine and that I shall achieve all of my heart's desires in you. I cannot wait to see what all you bring for me and all of humankind.

I'm Back: Sorry for the Wait

Hello people.
I've been on a long hiatus and I am sorry I couldn't show more love to you. Fall semester of college was very draining physically, mentally and emotionally, and I just could not take the time to get my life in order so that I could report on the changes I've made in my life on this road to accomplishing living fiery and loving. But the good news is that the trying semester has allowed me to move further down that road.

Last semester made me step into a leadership role of my psyche' that has catapulted me to what I now call my stand still. Now when I say stand still, my life is not boring, nor does it mean I am not continuing to learn new lessons everyday, it just means the emotional ups and downs have begun to level out. I've realized that I no longer tend to stress out about certain things, that I am no longer as easily affected by negativity, and that I can find humor in almost all situations. Being on this road of getting back to me was not easy in the least, but you realize once you've gone through it that it is not as difficult as you allow yourself to believe. Just continue to have faith in yourself, flow with life, make strong and carefully thought out decisions, and continue to self reflect as you do reading that is good for the soul and possibly some meditation. And always remember that music is food for your soul so just some good music can elevate your mood. But I need you to also keep in mind that having a group of people in your life that will continually bring smiles to your face is also a great thing to have.

In these past few months I have accomplished so much on this journey, just looking back on it makes me smile. I've even gotten to a point (I think) that even though I would like to share my life with a "special someone" I am perfectly content with flying solo. For me, that's a big thing because I'm a romantic at heart, but I listened to India Arie's I am ready for love and for the first time I didn't feel that song to my core. In fact I thought, maybe I do need to learn more maturity and shrugged it off. That example, and the fact that everyday I seem to wake up with a smile on my face, go through the whole day with laughter, and fall asleep grinning as well let's me know that I am well on my way to fiery living and loving. Hopefully soon I can go in-depth on some aspects of my journey and continue to update you on new endeavors.

My Perfect Man (as of today)

So lately I've been getting a lot of backfire from guys because I said I made a list of what I want my perfect guy to be like in order for me to date again. I guess because I didn't make the list visible they make think its some outrageous stuff on there when its mostly personality traits so I decided I would post the list for all to see.

·         Brave

·         Enthusiastic

·         Willing to defend me and have my back

·         Very romantic

·         Hygienic

·         Very clean cut

·         Prep boy swag

·         Likes to dance/party/socialize

·         Not a smoker

·         Drinks but rarely (special occasions only)

·         Driven

·         Has high self-esteem (not conceited)

·         Knows what he wants out of life and has a plan on how to get there

·         Dark chocolate man with a beautiful smile

·         heterosexual

·         Close to where I live or willing to move closer

·         Supportive

·         Family-oriented

·         Willing to compromise

·         Lean in body muscle (not skinny)

·         Passionate love-maker who likes to get a little rough

·         Spiritual (not religious)

·         Responsible

·         Can manage/budget money well

·         Doesn’t get super irritated when work gets busy

·         Can communicate well with me about how he’s feeling

·         Very open and honest and considerate about feelings when being honest

·         Willing to do community service/give back to society

·         Likes to go out but mostly likes to chill and cuddle while watching a movie

·         Will believe that our relationship is an equal partnership

·         Nice lips

·         Facial hair (not a lot though)

·         Creative

·         Influential

·         Motivated

·         Mature

·         Willing to make an adequate amount of time for me

·         Affectionate

·         Strong upper body (nice arm muscles)

·         Fit (doesn’t have a gut)

·         Nice teeth

·         Kind of tall

·         Adventurous/Daring

·         Open-minded

·         Willing to expand his knowledge

·         Playful

·         Great sense of humor

·         Very understanding and able to admit when he’s in the wrong/humble

·         Strong, masculine presence

·         Sensual/Sexy

·         Big, bright eyes that show the depths of his soul (long eyelashes)

·         Jet black hair

·         Not needy/ Independent

·         Works hard on self-growth and forgiveness

     So there it is ladies and gents! Nothing to be worried about and nothing that isn't achievable.

Let's Not Play the Blame Game

So I am currently going through a growing experience. I decided that I would be celibate for at least 100 days (which at this stage in my life it may last way longer than that but I said 100 days as a start) and during that time to do a lot of self reflection and try to grow as much as possible mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. So along the way I have been having a lot of epiphanies and well last night and this morning I had another one.

That epiphany was that I do not owe anybody anything. I say that because I am generally a very nice person and a generous friend and I feel like many people take that for granted. I am not going to bend over backwards to be on someone's good side, to help them feel better about a situation, or take care of them emotionally or physically. If u want my help or advice then say so but do not expect for me to go all out my way because in all actuality to be worried about others so much is draining me from properly taking care of myself which is detrimental to my character. People don't understand that the more I work on being the best me I can be, the better I can help you be the best you that you can be. I don't jump on pity parties, I show solutions and if I know you're not ready to hear that then I give you your space. I just don't like it when people try to make me the enemy because I'm leaving them to be responsible to fight their own battles without draining my own energy! I just want people to know that I will be there when you're in need, but when I cannot offer you the help that you want, I fade to the background until you are ready, but I do not wait around for people to be ready because in all honesty if you do not continue to grow I will still continue to do so without you. But whenever you decide that you want to grow with me as my friend, significant other, family, business partner or whatever, then I will gladly reach back and pull you forward, but only if you ask it of me. I will not struggle to bring you up to speed and THAT'S REAL!

New Perspectives

Over the last few months, I've been telling myself that I was going to consciously change the way I live my life, and while evaluating my life from day-to-day I felt like I wasn't changing much, but life has shown me that I am completely wrong.

See a little over a year ago, I had my first gut wrenching break-up with the only boyfriend I ever had. And while I looked fine on the outside, I have to say it took a great toll on the past year. A year later feeling recovered but not yet willing to date, I realized in all honesty there was a reason to that.....I wasn't really recovered. My life was still in the process of getting back to me, and when I say that I do not mean an OLD me I mean a GROUNDED me. Over the past year in trying to do so I went natural (like I cut my hair off and am waiting for it to grow back chemical free), spent more time with family and friends, etc. But I still felt like something was missing. Now I've always considered myself spiritual but I could never "get down" with religion. We just never seem to get along quite well, but I've realized over the years that even though I can't stand religion, I love love love to learn about different ones and of course my favorites are Christianity and Wicca. But recently Christianity has been in the forefront, and that is probably because in the past few months I read two awesome books by Kathleen McGowan called the Expected One and the Book of Love, and I also read this awesome web series called Heaven's Descenders at www.godfire.net. Well anyways getting to my point I've done a lot of conscious changes in my everyday life. Trying to show more love to others, letting things go, meditating more, and all kinds of other things. Well like I said before, I kept feeling like nothing was changing until this Thursday the most amazing thing happened. And I know you could never guess so let me tell you what that was.

I WAS ROBBED! I know, I know, not the first thing you think of when you think of amazing but hear me out.

I was at a friends apartment, had been there all day and that night she invited friends over. I spent the night over there to watch another friend who was too drunk to function and when we decided to leave the next day, I realized my bag with my wallet and keys in them were gone. At first the whole thing felt surreal so that for the most part I was just irritated that I had been in my swimsuit for 24 hours and now couldn't get back in to my place to change, and that I was hungry and had no money to get food. Later it dawned on me that when they change the locks this will probably cost me $250 and I have to pay for the lockout, pay for a new school I.D. and state, and new debit cards and the such. I knew I would be looking to pay like a total of $400, and being a college student with no job I didn't know what to think, until I just didn't think. I stopped reacting, and my friends bought me food. I got dressed and went to an alpha party and had fun, and the whole next day all I did was watch movies, listen to feel good music, and pray. And my prayers were not frantic like "Oh God please help me I just don't know what to do, how could something like this happen to me." My prayer's were more like "God I am putting my faith in you to help me correct this. I will not worry about the money because I know it can be replaced. I live by the Lord's prayer and the fourth petal of it says 'and give us this day, our daily bread the manna' which means you will always provide for me. and I know that everything happens for a reason so I look forward to looking back to see what the reason was." And after every time I said that prayer, I played more music and danced and sang, and felt no stress or worry. It hit me then that all my hard work was paying off, and for once I was living from a grounded state. I'm not saying the process of getting back to me is over, but it sure feels good to know that I am so very close to achieving it, and with that I woke up this morning with a whole new perspective on life, and I have to say I can't help but smile.

Hopefully this post will help you if you read this to let go of the little things and always appreciate the good in life, and that whatever you do, have faith.